


His Song

by hailsatxn, IdjitSherlockian



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Brendon is a siren, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Ryden, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, While ryan is human, joshler mentioned, like it was a thing, siren!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 12:35:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8144254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hailsatxn/pseuds/hailsatxn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/IdjitSherlockian/pseuds/IdjitSherlockian
Summary: Swimming closer to the surface, Brendon started to get a stronger reading on a sharp sense of...was that despair?Perfect.





	1. If all our life is but a dream

**Author's Note:**

> There is another author I am collabing with on this that is waiting on her account. I will add her in once she gets it!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon finds another victem.

The ocean was home for Brendon, the waves his encompassing blanket of safety. He couldn't remember much about the life before the salty waters became his master, before he threw his old life away, but he knew it hadn't been that good or that bad. He knew it was nothing to miss. 

His new life was so much better anyway, or at least he assumed so. No reason to dwindle on the past, or long for something you can't truly remember. Besides, life as a siren made everything so much easier, and he got to sing all the time which was a plus.

Music was the only thing that stuck to him even through the foggy haze of memories he had. He could remember tunes, melodies, and his voice breaking through the silence of crowds with music accompanying it. The only thing he remembered from the past was that he had been in a band.

Maybe that's why he was so good at his job, why he could easily lure the ocean’s prey to their watery demise. The tunes were already in his head, already came to him so naturally. All he had to do was open his mouth and the song came as if it was part of him.

It was a unusually cold night, the water’s temperature chilling him to the bone as he lazily swam in circles in the black water. He could hear the music and see the lights of the pier above him, but he wasn't concerned. He was far enough below the surface that any onlookers wouldn’t notice him. What they didn’t know, was that he knew all of them personally. 

Of course, not literally. In fact, he couldn't remember ever having a friend before his life in the ocean, but, he had...abilities. As a siren, not only had he physically had changed, he had also developed mentally. 

Physically, his body looked far different than it had before. His once long, slender legs had melded together, their color shifting to a steely gray. He no longer had feet, a fin had taken their place. His tail resembled a shark’s, the sleekness helping him glide in the water. His torso and tail met at a lovely gradient, just below his belly button. Above that, his toned stomach and smooth chest met under smooth planes of pallid skin. His arms had strengthened from his time in the water, with a tattoo of piano keys adorning his left forearm. From his neck and across his chest hung a small canvas bag foraged from a shipwreck he had encountered while swimming to Australia. His gills, three small slits on each side of his throat, rested just below his chiseled jawline.

Finally, his face. Brendon’s face was, by standards, very well crafted. Hooded mocha eyes with flecks of shimmering gold looked up through envy-inducing lashes. He had a small scar running through his right eyebrow, but he wouldn’t be able to tell you where it came from. Thick brown hair, a prominent nose and full, pink lips completed his face. He was the most beautiful creature one could encounter. He seemed to be a fallen angel, radiating grace and beauty.

Mentally though...Brendon was a purebred nightmare, forged of hate and destruction. He had an amazing singing voice that was improved, if even possible, when he became a siren. All of his senses had heightened. He was able to hear up to a mile away, and see in complete darkness. His sense of smell improved so much, that he was able to tell that about a mile and a half away, down the beach, there was a man eating sushi at a table next to a man eating mahi-mahi. He could outswim Olympians, he could rip a man apart with his bare hands, he could do everything he needed to lure men to their deaths. He resented every single person who dare trespass in the ocean, and took every chance he could to prove that. Brendon could also sense the feelings of the humans above him. 

That's when his senses spiked. 

Swimming closer to the surface, Brendon started to get a stronger reading on a sharp sense of...was that despair?  
Perfect.  
Brendon broke the surface of the ocean, the screams of laughter from the pier over him almost drowning out the lapping of the ocean against the pillars. He started to hone in on the emotion he felt earlier.  
It wasn’t hard to find in the sea of happiness around it, and Brendon smiled to himself maniacally.

Gently, Brendon started to sing the only song he could remember from his past life.  
‘If all our life is but a dream  
Fantastic posing greed  
Then we should feed our jewelry to the sea  
For diamonds do appear to be  
Just like broken glass to me…’

Brendon felt his haunting melodies pull the person he was focusing on to the edge of the railing above him. He felt a spike of fear in the person, and his smiler grew maliciously wider. His voice got stronger as he continued the song, swimming in lazy circles.  
‘And then she said she can't believe  
Genius only comes along  
In storms of fabled foreign tongues  
Tripping eyes, and flooded lungs  
Northern downpour sends its love…’

Brendon was taken by surprise as he heard a rough voice take the next few words right from his mouth.  
‘Hey moon, please forget to fall down  
Hey moon, don't you go down.’  
The voice was thick with tears and the look of surprise quickly left Brendon’s face as he realized his plan was working. He forced the next words out of his mouth to drip with persuasion.

‘Sugarcane in the easy mornin'  
Weathervanes my one and lonely

The ink is running toward the page  
It's chasin' off the days  
Look back at both feet  
And that winding knee  
I missed your skin when you were east  
You clicked your heels and wished for me…”

Brendon heard the sobs of his prey above him as he continued to swim in lazy circles on his back. He was grinning like the cheshire cat. The poor sap he was luring into the ocean was about to join him, he could feel it. Their hands were on the railing, ready to throw themselves over. One more push and…  
‘Through playful lips made of yarn  
That fragile Capricorn  
Unraveled words like moths upon old scarves  
I know the world's a broken bone  
But melt your headaches, call it home…’

On the last line, Brendon heard the voice above him join in, a beautiful harmony in their last moments. The despair in their heart became too heavy, and they threw themselves from the pier.

 

Splash. 

Brendon swam towards where the body had landed, diving underneath the inky black waves. 

The...man, was he a man? He barely looked older than Brendon. He wasn’t even struggling. He just sunk, and Brendon could feel the despair swallowing him. 

Wait...he knew him!

Brendon didn't know how, but he knew the boy. He felt his memory tugging and pushing inside his head, but still couldn't remember how he knew him.

All he knew was that he couldn’t let this boy die. 

He hooked his arms in the boy's armpits and dragged him to the surface.

He started to swim towards an empty stretch of beach a few hundred feet away. He felt the boy’s pulse slowing, and he pushed himself to swim faster.

As he reached the beach, he dragged the boy out of the surf. Brendon gently rested the boy on his back and started to resuscitate him, trying to push the water out with chest compressions.

Suddenly, the boy started to cough, spitting seawater and gasping for breath. In the moonlight, Brendon admired his face. Smooth pale skin, a round nose, seashell pink lips. He recognized it all, he just couldn't bring himself to remember. The boy’ cheekbones were prominent, and his dark hair was plastered to his forehead. Brendon pushed the hair away and slowly, the boy’s eyes opened. 

Warm chocolate eyes gazed up at him, trying to focus. Brendon felt the boy’s fear spike again and the boy’s eyes went wide. 

“Brendon…?” the boy asked, reaching his hand up to cup his face. Brendon’s eyes went wide and he pulled away from the boy. He slipped back into the sea as the boy called out again. 

“Brendon! No, come back! It’s me, Ryan!” the boy called.  
But Brendon was already a mile out into the unforgiving depths. 

Ryan…


	2. Fantastic Posing Greed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon talks to Tyler, a fellow siren.

Brendon would not, or could not for that manner, stop swimming. The name of the man he had just rescued kept erupting into his thoughts, and his mind fixated on his face to a point where he had no other thoughts.

Ryan…

Why did he seem so familiar? The way his voice joined in with his song, and every detail of his face. He knew him, why couldn't he remember where he knew him from?

He obviously had recognized Brendon as well, the way he seemed to break when their eyes met. Sirens weren't supposed to remember, the weren't supposed to feel anything towards any human. Why did he?

A sudden voice cut through the water, startling the image of Ryan from Brendon's thoughts. “What the heck was that, Brendon!?”

Brendon turned toward the voice, finding the source to be Tyler, a fellow siren that he shared these waters with.

Tyler, despite being the most non-threatening person you’d ever come across, looked like something out of a book of demons. 

His tail was jet black, something that had not been seen in quite some time. It was covered in scales, and the fin that had replaced his feet seemed to float like ink in a cleansing bottle. When the sunlight hit his tail, it shone a rainbow of colors, some not perceivable to the naked human eye. Vibrant reds, fiery oranges and yellows that danced like flames. Harsh forest greens, deep hues of blue that were only seen at the deepest depths of the ocean. Violets shimmered across, seeming to tease the onlooker.

Unlike Brendon, Tyler’s skin did not look sickly gray. His deeply tanned skin met the inky blackness of his tail in a swirl of colors. Adorning his arms were tattoos of black bands and symbols, their meanings unknown to everyone except few. His chest had more tattoos, an hourglass on his left side, four boxes on the right. Also unlike Brendon, Tyler’s gills were on the sides of his ribs, angled downward. 

Around his neck, Tyler had necklace. It was a simple length of cord, with a small pouch dangling from it. He told no one of its contents, not even Brendon, his best friend. Tyler’s face was probably the most unnerving. Scars dotted his face, one through his top lip, another along his cheek, one across his nose. And his eyes...his eyes were blood red. No one knew why. Siren’s eyes normally stayed their natural color, save for some flecks of color determining the sin they were guilty of while dying.

Green for envy.  
Gold for greed.  
Blue for sadness.  
Red for anger.   
Purple for pride.  
Orange for gluttony.  
Pink for lust.  
Silver for sloth.

The entirety of a siren’s eyes turning one color was unheard of, but yet, here was   
Tyler.

He had completely red irises. His anger had consumed him at his time of death, and now he wore it on a metaphorical sleeve. Tyler’s face was rounded off with a strong nose and bow shaped lips. His hair was a light brown, the color of cooled tea. 

“You literally had him in the water! Why did you drag him out?” Tyler was swimming around him now, his look showing more concern than any other emotion. He knew it was unlike Brendon to even think about sparing someone, much less actually doing it.

“I don't know.” Brendon responded, refusing to meet the other siren’s eyes in fear of breaking down. “He just seemed familiar. Like I knew him.”

“That's not possible.” Tyler said the second Brendon finished speaking, shaking his head. “No siren ever remembers their past. It's unheard of.”

“Yeah, well, so are all red eyes but look at you…” Brendon grumbled under his breath, and Tyler whipped his head around.

“What was that?” Tyler questioned. 

“Nothing. What does it matter anyway, so what, I let him go. I got three to jump last week down South.” Brendon retorted, starting to swim off towards home. 

“You didn’t just let him go! You rescued him!” Tyler said incredulously, following Brendon further out to sea. “That’s not what we do Brendon!” 

“I GET IT!” Brendon yelled, whipping around and getting in Tyler’s face. “I GET IT! I fucked up! But I wasn’t going to let him die if I knew him. He could be my chance to remember Ty! You can’t tell me you don’t want to. I know you do.”

Tyler narrowed his eyes at brendon, “You said just earlier that it wasn't a big deal, that you didn’t care to remember.” Brendo. huffed, rolling his eyes.

“Maybe I wanna know how the hell I died, Ty.” Brendon said quietly, shifting his eyes to his canvas bag. 

Brendon looked up at Tyler, a forlorn look across his face, but Tyler was far from sad. Tyler was seething.

“No, you don't want to remember.” Tyler said, clenching his jaw as a look of realization crossed his face.

“Yes, I do…” Brendon trailed off, staring at his bag once again, before his arms were clenched in Tyler's broad hands. 

“Look at me, Brendon” Tyler demanded stiffly, and Brendon still avoided his gaze.  
“I said,” Tyler grabbed Brendon’s jaw, “look at me.” Brendon was forced to make eye contact with Tyler and he stared, noticing how Tyler’s eyes seemed to glow.

“You do not want to remember. You do not want to know what it felt like to die.” Tyler seethed, gritting his teeth. “Be lucky you were granted the paradise of not having to relive it every waking moment of your eternal damnation.” And with that, he shoved Brendon away and swam in the opposite direction.

Brendon stayed there, suspended in the water, dumbfounded.

Tyler could remember his death?


	3. Then we should feed our jewelry to the sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan gets into a fight.

Ryan was shocked, to say the very least. He almost couldn't believe what he had seen,it was very possible for him to have been hallucinating from nearly drowning, but somehow he knew that wasn't the case.

How would have gotten into the shore if it has just been a hallucination? He wouldn't save himself. Even if he had just been seeing things, he would have probably just stayed there. If it wasn't Brendon, he didn't see much reason to stay around. Their band had been his lifeline.

He was cold, but he didn't think it mattered. He was hungry, but he could care less. His thoughts were focused on Brendon. Brendon, who he thought was dead. Brendon, who just saved his life. His Brendon.

Ryan didn't know how long he was there, and it wasn't as if he cared. He sat staring at the dark waters churning in their salty song, calling to him despite the fact he couldn't bring himself to move. Brendon was in there somewhere.

It wasn't until he felt a hand on his shoulder and a voice by his ear that Ryan broke free from his trance. “Ryan? Are you okay? Why are you wet…”

Ryan turned to look at the voice, and found it to be Spencer, who was giving him a look that seemed to be filled with worry. “Oh, I just decided to take a little swim, that's all.”

“Fully dressed…?”

Ryan looked over at him, already noticing the hole in his lie and collapsed inwardly. “Yes?”

“Don't lie to me, Ryan.” His voice had grown stern, and Ryan’s arms had been taken in firm hands. “Come on, let's get you home. You can tell me about it after we get you cleaned up.”

“I can clean myself up, thank you very much.” Ryan responded defensively, but inside he knew he couldn't, and that he truly didn't want to be alone right now.

“I know you can. That doesn't mean I'm going to let you right now, not with you like this.” 

Ryan, as he was helped to his feet by Spencer, inspected him. He looked even more worn out than he normally did since Brendon's death. His once lively blue eyes had taken on a dull sheen, and they seemed to be sunk into his head. Dark circles enveloped his eyes and his dull, dirty hair hung limp against his face. His cheeks were sunken in, his lips chapped and faded. He no longer stood with posture, and he probably hadn’t changed or showered in days. It had been six months and he was looking worse each and every day. He wasn't the happy, fun-loving, hyperactive kid Ryan met when he was five.

He was a dead man walking.

To be fair though, Ryan looked much worse.  
Ryan had always been on the thin side, but he might have well been a stick figure as of late. His wrist bones and ankles stood out sharply against his ashen skin. His knees protruded at angles that should be sheathed in muscle and fat. His ribs were visible when he stood shirtless, and his hip bones jutted out. He looked like a marionette doll, frail and unwanting. His cheeks were gaunt, the skin pulled tightly across his cheekbones. His eyes resembled those of a dead man’s, deep purple circles surrounded them, and his brown puppy dog eyes had become lackluster. He could’ve passed for a corpse in a mortuary had he fallen asleep in one. His frail body shrouded in an oversized t-shirt and baggy jeans, his long hair hanging in his eyes. He knew he wasn’t fooling anyone. He was a mess, and it was all because of Brendon.

Did he have any idea the damage he had caused? How much hurt he had left him to struggle with, the pain that haunted him everyday. Now, any chance of recovery he had began to think he had was gone. Brendon had abandoned him, but not in the way he had thought.

Grabbing Spencer's arm for support, Ryan took a few wobbly steps, tears slipping down his cheeks and onto the beach sound, screaming his pain in their silent way. Spencer didn't say anything other than the slightly tighter hold, helping him to his car as he began to cry uncontrollably, losing any sort of hold on his emotions he previously had.

The drive was silent and somber, and Ryan was left to his thoughts. His eyes stuck to the road as it flew past, the tears falling and not stopping. A numb feeling spread throughout him, and he let his head slump back into the seat and sob openly.

They pulled up to the house, and with a little struggle Spencer managed to get Ryan inside and change him from his soaked clothes and get him wrapped snuggly in a blanket. With shaky hands Ryan grabbed his favorite necklace, Brendon's necklace, and put it around his neck. Tightly holding onto the charm as he walked out to where Spender had went to make him some food, Ryan collapsed onto a chair. 

 

“So what happened, Ryan?” Spencer said, placing a plate of bland tasting eggs and toast in front of him, which he mainly just poked at.

“Brendon happened.” Was his response before shoving his mouth full of toast so he wouldn't be able to fight back at what he knew was coming.

“Not this again, Ryan.” Spencer groaned, tilting his head back with a sigh, and Ryan hurried to swallow what was in his mouth.

“Spencer, it was different this time. He saved me.” He twisted the compass necklace in his hand, fiddling nervously with it. “He looked different, but it was him. He stopped me from drowning.”

Spencer turned towards him, something that seemed to be exasperation filling his stance. “Ryan, you know as well as I do that Brendon isn't here. He's gone, Ryan. You need to come to terms with that.”

Ryan stood suddenly, his chair clattering the the ground as he stared Spencer down, something close to anger and sadness clutching his heart greedily. “You don't understand.” He hissed, backing away. “It was him. He saved me.”

“Ryan, don't-” Before Spencer could even complete his sentence Ryan was out the door, slamming it behind him as he broke into a run. The necklace hit his neck gently as he ran, and mindlessly he took it from his neck and into his his hands.

He ran until his legs hurt, and even then he kept going. He knew Spencer would come after him, and so he took a few twists and turns here and there hoping to delay the inevitable. He had to at least try to find him. At the very least he had to try.

When he finally came to the place he had been heading, the place he had thrown himself into the unforgiving waters, his whole body ached. He was weak, his body unprepared and out of energy for any form of physical exertion, much less what he had just done. At least Spencer didn't know where he had thrown himself in. He would return to where he had found him soaking wet first and then check here. He had a little time.

“Brendon!” He basically screamed it into the air, glad most of the people had abandoned the walk due to the time. Less awkward staring.

“Please, please hear me!” He could feel the tears return and the grip he had on the necklace tighten. “Spencer doesn't believe me, but I know you saved me! I need you!” 

His voice was already dying, but he kept calling and calling. Begging Brendon to help him, pleading with him to come back. He did this until his throat was raw and he could speak no more, collapsing to his knees and shaking with his head in his hands. 

Anger sparked through him, and out of pure irritation he threw the necklace into the water, cursing Brendon’s very name for abandoning him once again. The necklace, enveloped by the dark blue of the sea, sank out of Ryan's view and he fully collapsed, unable to bear the weight of even sitting on his knees anymore.

Muttering profanities and Brendon's name, Ryan stayed like that, waiting for Spencer to find him. It was hopeless.

Brendon hadn't heard him.


	4. For diamonds do appear to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon meets with Ryan.

Brendon had heard him. He had heard every word the boy had screamed and cried, and for reasons unknown to him his heart broke as he did.

Even with hearing the mournful calls of his name, Brendon fought the urge to go to the surface again, although he did swim closer listening to the wails. He stopped far from the pier, hidden safely in the depths, and heard the boy stop for once.

A second later he heard the struggle of him yelling at the man he had been referring to, Spencer. Telling him to leave him here alone, that he really did see Brendon and didn't care what he thought.

He could hear the crying as Ryan seemingly tried to cling to the ground as Spencer dragged him away. 

And this continued, every night, for twelve nights. Ryan would show up every night to the beach Brendon had dragged him to, and sit there until the wee hours of the morning, Spencer dragging him away like a rag doll.

Brendon was there every night. Just far enough that Ryan couldn’t see him. He sat with Ryan, all night, trying to remember anything. He had to remember, he just had to. Every night, Tyler would hover around Brendon, making sure he never got too close. Believably, he was still angry at Brendon. Brendon tried to ignore the anger that seemed to radiate in heatwaves from Tyler, but it didn't help that he was literally swimming circles around his body under the surf. 

It was tonight, the thirteenth night, that everything would change. Tyler had important business to attend to, he was overseeing the trial of a siren who, like Brendon, had attempted to remember their past. He used this as a warning against Brendon before he left, “You know just as well as anyone else that what you’re doing is wrong,” he had said sternly, “The court was forgiving the first time, you allowing that boy to be safe, rescuing him. Just know that this won't pass again, so you better stay away from him while I can't monitor you.” Brendon had nodded, already deciding that he didn’t care what would happen. He was staying far enough away from Ryan that he wouldn’t cause an issue. 

Tonight, Brendon was explicitly breaking Tyler’s rule and was watching Ryan from the surf, accompanied by his other best friend, Dallon. 

Dallon seemed to be the more intimidating one of the two. Broad shoulders, a long, muscled torso, broad hands that could snatch plankton from right under your nose. His voice deep and monotonous, a singing voice of gold. What made him less intimidating was his tail.

It was seafoam green, and had randomly placed rainbow scales. He looked like something out of a kids movie, the way the bright green swirled with colors only being created in tropical reefs. His toned stomach met his tail with a beautiful gradient of green to porcelain skin. He had no tattoos, leaving his skin a perfect alabaster shade. His gills residing across his ribs, just as Tyler’s did. Across his chest hung a canvas bag like Brendon’s. A long neck met between prominent collarbones, A strong jawline and thick dark chocolate colored hair framed his face. Thin lips and a long nose went unnoticed once his eyes were seen. 

Bright icy blue flecked with a royal purple, showing his pride had been his downfall.

As Dallon swam lazily around Brendon, he spoke. “So why are we sitting here at two in the morning?” Dallon asked, floating to a stop in front of Brendon’s watchful eyes.

“Because, he knew me before I died. He can tell me what happened.” Brendon replied quietly, starting to swim a few feet ahead of himself.

Dallon pushed a hand to Brendon’s chest, his eyes going wide.

“You can’t do that, you know this. Tyler even had to warn you before going to the trial of someone who did the same exact thing.” Dallon said sternly.

“Yeah, who was that anyways?” Brendon asked him, trying to distract Dallon enough to move closer to the beach. 

“I dunno, that one kid, from around here. Looker...Locker? Lucker! Lucker was his name. Mitch Lucker.” Dallon exclaimed, seemed to be oblivious of Brendon’s movements towards the beach that held Ryan. 

“Oh yeah? He was nice. Hope they don’t kill him.” Brendon replied airily, still moving forward. He was almost to the beach before Dallon stopped him.

“Brendon, you come back here right now.” Dallon said, but not coming any closer himself.

“What, are you afraid?” Brendon said, calling out Dallon’s unwillingness to go closer to the beach.

“I don’t wanna be put on trial for treason.” Dallon huffed, folding his arms across his toned chest. 

“Well maybe I want to remember.” Brendon glared.

Dallon glared back at Brendon, before unzipping his bag. He pulled something out and tossed it to Brendon.  
“I believe this is his. He threw it in, dunno when, but I found it today.” Dallon explained.  
Brendon opened his hand and saw a necklace. It was a small bronze compass, hanging on a delicate matching chain. He studied it for a moment more, before slipping it around his neck. He didn’t know why he decided to wear it, there was just a little voice that seemed to whisper, “Put it on…” in Brendon’s head.

He looked up at Dallon and smiled softly, “Thanks man.” Dallon nodded and a small smile played on his lips.

“I could get in so much trouble for this, like, I could be charged with treason too...but I know what it’s like to want answers. Go talk to him, I’ll keep watch.” Dallon said after a moment of thinking.

The smile on Brendon's face grew as Dallon spoke, and he sputtered out a thank you before hurriedly swimming towards the shore, his plan of action not fully thought out yet. He didn't think he'd actually get this far.

The closer he got though, the more apprehension began to build in his chest and stomach. He began to have his doubts about speaking to him, he hadn't even thought of what to say. 

He couldn't just say something like, ‘hey I don't really remember you but you remember me so can you please tell me how I died okay thanks’. Brendon might not have talked with a human since, well, anytime he could remember, but he knew that likely wouldn't work out well.

A sudden, sinking feeling filled him as he poked out from the water for a second, and he dove down again as fast as possible. What was he doing? This was stupid, so stupid. He was putting both him, his best friend, and this guy he obviously had once cared about at risk and for what? To know how he ended up in this situation that couldn't even be fixed with that knowledge?

It was already too late, though. He had already been seen, and behind him he heard the boy named Ryan let out a yelp of something between surprise and happiness.

“Brendon! Wait! Please, don't leave again!” Ryan had stumbled into the water as he called, deciding that if Brendon wasn't going to come to him then he would have to go to Brendon.

Which was, in Brendon's eyes, utterly stupid. He looked at the man swimming to him, and his mind once more seemed to whisper him, the words this time ringing in his ears as ‘you need to stop this stupid, pretty, golden god before he hurts himself.’

Turning sharply in the water and speeding towards Ryan fast as a bullet, Brendon resurfaced beside him, and put out an arm to keep him from going farther into the watery depths. “Woah, woah, Golden God calm down! I already saved you from drowning once, I don't think doing it again would be quite as pleasant.”

Ryan stopped his movements for a second, before remembering he was in water and began to keep himself afloat again, and without a word he flung his arms around Brendon, his grip tightening as a sob broke from his lips.

“Brendon! Oh my god it's really you! I was beginning to think it really had been a hallucination.” Ryan laughed through the tears, holding onto his friend for dear life, not noticing how stiff the other man was in the embrace.

“Shit. Shit. Shit. This is bad. Oh shit.” Brendon thought as Ryan’s arms stayed locked around his shoulders. 

Ryan seemed to finally notice that Brendon wasn’t hugging back, and pulled away, wiping the tears from his cheeks. He stared in Brendon’s eyes, “I can’t believe it’s really you…

Brendon nodded in an awkward way, not really sure how to respond to situations like the one he was just in. 

Ryan was laughing again, more to stop himself from crying again than anything else, “I thought you were dead!”

Brendon felt his heart plummet for a second, and he managed to take control of his nerves and speak. “I was...am? Look, I think we both have a lot to talk about. We should probably find a place where we can both talk easier than in the water. You must be freezing.” 

Ryan nodded, still trying to wipe stray tears from his eyes as he let Brendon help him to the shore. When they finally got there, Ryan sat on the wet sand while Brendon stayed as far in the water as he could that still allowed for him and Ryan to have a comfortable conversation.

Ryan was the first to speak up again. “What do you mean you are dead? Or was?”

“I don't really remember much.” Brendon said, not meeting Ryan's gaze. “I just know that what I am now isn't really...alive.”

“What do you mean you can't remember?” Ryan said, a bit of doubt and sorrow creeping into his voice.

“It's kind of hard to explain. By now you can probably tell there's been some, uh, changes to my body?” Brendon didn't sound entirely convinced of what he was saying, though he knew it must be true. He obviously didn't look like this before he was a siren, but he couldn't imagine himself any other way. He swam closer, picking up on the feelings that Ryan was combating in his mind, willing to help him calm down if the need came..

“Yeah.” Ryan said quietly, his hand gently brushing over the gills on the side of his neck, sending a shiver down Brendon's spine.

“It's because that...when I died, however I did, when I drowned the ocean gave me a second chance. A chance to keep my life in return for feeding the ocean.” Brendon swallowed hard, forcing the words out. “Sirens aren't supposed to remember anything from their past, it's forbidden. Yet, when I saw you in the water, I remembered. Not fully, I just knew that I knew you and I had a very strong emotional bond. So I saved you against orders and here we are.”

“So you can't remember anything other than that you somehow knew me in your past life?” Ryan asked carefully, nervously picking at the skin on his fingers.

“Yeah, that's sort of why I'm here. I want to remember. I can't get you out of my head since I helped you for some reason, and after everything you've been doing for the past week and a half I don't think you can get me out of yours.” As Brendon spoke, Ryan could feel himself begin to shake. He didn't want to talk about what happened. He regretted it every living day.

“I don't really know the full story of what happened either.” Ryan began, his voice wobbly. “I just know we were fighting. You had a lot to drink, and I had wanted to end the tour early. We were in a band. We started yelling and you stormed out of the house to go on a walk to cool down, and later we got a call saying you had fallen off a bridge, and…” The tears had returned and Ryan couldn't finish speaking, curling up as if he was trying to shelter himself from the memories.

Something in Brendon's mind clicked, and without a moment's hesitation Brendon reached for Ryan, taking his hands in his. “Ryan, listen to me.” His voice was soothing, almost like his singing. Like he was persuading Ryan to stop his breakdown for a moment to listen to what Brendon was saying.

“You don't need to blame yourself, you did nothing wrong.” Brendon said, watching as Ryan began to relax a little, turning his eyes to Brendon's, watching the green flecks in his eyes and trying his best to believe what Brendon was saying. “I don't fully know what happened, but I do know that the Ocean believes I died of greed, and after hearing that I know it's true. I was being greedy, I should have listened to you.” 

As he spoke he could begin to remember, though he wasn't really noticing fully at the time. He was focusing on calming the boy beside him down, and that was all he cared about at the moment. “I shouldn't have left like that, or yelled at you. I shouldn't have been drinking, or mad. Everything that happened that night is because of me, please understand that.”

A flood of relief filled Brendon's chest as Ryan nodded, mixed in with regret and guilt. He had caused this kid so much pain, and for what? His own selfish desires. This time he initiated the hug, refusing to let the other go until the tears ceased and his breathing returned to normal. When they did he could feel Ryan relax into the touch, and he knew one thing.

He couldn't leave Ryan alone again.


	5. Just Like Broken Glass To Me

They would meet every day, staying as long a possible without major risk of Brendon being seen. Brendon knew that he shouldn't, that when Tyler returned he would be furious if he found out, but quite frankly he didn't care.

He enjoyed his time with Ryan, though at times it would get a little awkward as Ryan brought up a memory that Brendon knew nothing about, and for periods of time Ryan would sink into a great silence as he seemed to relive memories lost to Brendon. More than anything in the world, Brendon wanted to remember his times with this boy.

Today they were in their usual spot, letting the waves crash as their music and a comfortable silence envelop them as they watched the swirling waters. Sometimes their time was better spent like this, just enjoying the presence of the other, longing for more but scared to make the first move. A storm was coming, both literally and figuratively, but they only knew of one.

Ryan spoke up, his arms hugging his knees to his chest as he did. “Why did you call me Golden God that night?” His words quiet, his eyes focused on the water.

Brendon glanced over at him, a look of confusion flashing on his face until the memory crashed onto him. “Oh, I don't know. It just felt right.” He shrugged his shoulders then, before continuing with, “Why?”

Ryan looked over at him, biting his lip slightly as the familiar moment of saddened silence passed over him. Brendon prepared to have to wait for a long period of time until getting an answer, but to his surprise Ryan spoke up. “You used to always call me that.”

Brendon stared at his face, watching the tears begin to well up in Ryan's eyes and his heart grew heavy. “I'm sorry.”

Ryan turned to face him, before his eyes fell upon the necklace Brendon was wearing, his eyes glued to it for quite some time.

"What? What's wrong?" Brendon questions, a slightly nervous worry seeping into his voice as he reached up, his hand landing on the compass necklace, and without even realising it he fiddled with it as he waited for the response.

"The necklace..." Ryan said, his eyes shining with what seemed to be fresh tears. "You're wearing the necklace I threw."

Brendon paused in his fiddling, his cheeks flooding with a sort of pink. "Oh! Right! I meant to give it back to you, I'm sorry, I just sort of forgot..." He reached up to remove the necklace, but before he could his hands were grabbed by Ryan's.

"No, no, keep it! It was yours. I gave it to you as a gift before...all of this." Tears were beginning to slip from Ryan's eyes, and Ryan seemed to realise he was still holding Brendon's hands and quickly released them, wiping the tears from his eyes in an attempt to stop them. "You really do have no memory of before, do you?" He asked, a hiccup following immediately thereafter.

"No...I'm sorry"

The silence began again, the only disruption coming from distant thunder. Ryan didn't talk for quite a while, Brendon himself didn't feel like speaking, feeling bad that he couldn't remember despite the fact that he had no control over it.

It was broken, though, by a voice all too familiar to Brendon filling the air. He felt his muscles stiffen at the sound, and turned to check on Ryan, his breath stopping in his throat as he saw his eyes take on a dull sheen.

All my friends are heathens take it slow.

“No, Ryan don't listen to it.” Brendon began, reaching out to grab Ryan before he could move. “It's a siren, don't do this.”

Wait for them to ask you who you know

Ryan was struggling against Brendon's grip, trying his best to go into the watery depths like the song was so wonderfully offering, a nice break from the tremendous amount of pain Ryan was suffering from in his life.

Please don't make any sudden moves

You don't know the hard of the abuse

“No, no, no I'm not letting you do this.” Brendon spoke vehemently now, his words directed more at Tyler than Ryan. “You can't take him away, I just got him back.”

All my friends are heathens take it slow

Wait for them to ask you who you know

Ryan was struggling harder now, tears slipping down his cheeks as he tried desperately to get closer to the music, but Brendon wasn't giving up.

Please don't make any sudden moves

You don't know the half of the abuse.

“No!” Brendon pulled Ryan back, his voice shaking from the effort. He had to stop this, he wouldn't let Tyler try to take this away from him like he knew what was best.

If all our life is but a dream-

Welcome to the room of people-

Fantastic posing greed-

Brendon's song, forceful and overcoming, overlapped with Tyler's mournful melody, a sound pleasing to the ear, but deadly to listen to. The only difference was that this time, there was a new force behind Brendon's words, beckoning Ryan to stay safe in Brendon's arms, to keep away from the harmful waters.

A look of confusion crossed over Ryan's face, his eyes unfocused. Brendon locked his arms around him in a hug, encouraging him to cover his ears from the sound that was overcoming him, so Brendon's song was much louder than the other.

Then we should feed our jewelry to the sea

For diamonds do appear to be

Tyler's voice had died off now, leaving an empty feeling in the air. Yet Brendon kept going, fearing if he stopped for even a moment Tyler would begin again, breaking what hold he had on Ryan.

Just like broken glass to me

And then she said she can't believe

Genius only comes along in storms of fabled foreign tongues

Ryan had removed his hands from his ears, facing Brendon, who now instead of Ryan had droplets of water falling from his eyes.

Tripping eyes and flooded lungs

Northern downpour sends its love

“Brendon, I'm okay.” Ryan said, shifting in Brendon's strong hold to get a better look at him. “I'm still here.”

Hey moon, please forget to fall down

Hey moon don't you go down.

Brendon’s voice stopped, broken with sobs as he pulled Ryan closer, the terror of the moment fully settling in. He had almost lost Ryan just as soon as he got him back. He had almost lost everything.

“I'm okay, I'm not going anywhere.” Ryan spoke softly, trying his best to soothe Brendon’s tears. Brendon's face had been buried in the jacket Ryan was wearing, soaking it with salty tears yet Ryan could care less.

“I'm so sorry.” Brendon cried into the fabric, his hands gripping the jacket as if it were his lifeline. “I should have known this would happen.”

“Known what would happen?” Ryan questioned, hardly moving in fear that Brendon would then pull away.

“I know the siren who was singing just now.” Brendon muttered, pulling away despite Ryan's efforts of keeping him there. “You could have died. I shouldn't be meeting you here like this.”

Ryan lifted his hand to cup Brendon's face, looking into his eyes with an almost stern expression on his face. “Brendon, listen to me.” He said, his voice quiet but strong. “Before you came back to me I was a goner. I wouldn't still be here.”

The words left a stinging wound in Brendon's heart, but he didn't speak up. Instead he kept listening to Ryan's careful words, finding comfort in them. “You being here is helping more than hurting, Brendon. Please know that.”

Brendon stared back at Ryan, his eyes flitting from Ryan's eyes to his lips and back, unknowingly biting his own lip. Shit…

“My only question is…” Ryan trailed off, Brendon’s eyes tearing themselves from his lips, “that song you were just singing, how do you know that?”

“It's the only song I remember from my past life.” Brendon said sadly.

“We used to sing that song on stage together every night. One time, you forgot the words and I helped you and you couldn’t stop laughing.” Ryan gave a small smile at the memory. His eyes went wide as he got an idea, “Maybe if we sing it together, you might remember! You said you remembered you knew me the night you...you know. Maybe it was because I sang with you!” Ryan started to get excited and Brendon’s eyes widened too.

“Maybe…” Brendon whispered, and Ryan stood up. “I’m gonna go get my guitar, maybe the familiarity of it will help!” He sped off, not even giving Brendon time to respond.

As soon as he knew Ryan was gone and could safely assume he would be a while, Brendon dove into the water. Anger surged forward into his chest as he eyes scanned his surroundings, searching for Tyler.

When he finally saw the haunting red eyes glaring back at him from the depths Brendon’s speed picked up as he spat, “What the hell was that, Tyler!?”

“I could ask you the same thing!” Tyler hissed, his eyes narrowed and his arms firmly crossed across his chest. “What did I tell you about that boy, Brendon? I warned you, and what do you do? Get all up and cozy with him, save him from not just the ocean, but my song?”

Anger turned the water around them hot as they stared eachother down, Brendon gritting his teeth as he replied. “Look. I don’t care what you say, or what you remember, or what you think of Ryan. I’m seeing him, and I’m happy seeing him. You can’t take that away from me Tyler, I won’t let you.”

Tyler seemed to get even angrier, “I know what it’s like to love a human, okay!” Tyler was screaming suddenly, his red eyes seemingly glowing as the light around Tyler seemed to be sapped away. “His name was Joshua Dun, and we met every damn day! The ocean doesn’t like sirens to be with others, Brendon! They’ll take him away from you! I’LL HAVE TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM YOU!” He was crying now, his hands reaching up and gripping his hair. Brendon was swimming backwards now, fear sparking in his heart. Tyler...wasn’t like this.

“Joshua Dun...Josh....” Tyler was sobbing into his hands, shaking his head before glaring at Brendon again. “You have a week Brendon. You do it, or I will. It won’t be as easy to save him as this time.”

A wild look had placed itself in Tyler’s red eyes, and he murmured to himself quietly as he turned away from Brendon, his quiet words seeming loud in Brendon’s ears as he swam away. “My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think…”

Quiet shock settled over Brendon, staring after where Tyler had fled. Joshua Dun? Why hadn’t Tyler told Brendon about him before? They had been best friends, they had shared everything.

Though...from what he was saying, Brendon could form a basic idea of what was happening. Tyler, around two months back, had suddenly became the judge for the ocean’s courts, something shocking for every siren in the area. Tyler had never seemed to be the kind of siren to grab the ocean’s attention.

Brendon guessed that after meeting this Joshua person, Tyler had gained some memory back...a little at least. Maybe he had know Josh before he had died, or something similar to that matter. Brendon could only suppose based off his own experience. Tyler must have had the Ocean punish him for falling for the human by…

Brendon couldn’t stay in these waters anymore, he had to get out. The sudden force of what he was realising slamming into him and leaving him terrified to be in the waters he had once found as his home.

The ocean had punished Tyler, and it’s next victim was Brendon.


	6. And then she said she can't believe

Ryan could hardly keep in his excitement as he ran down the streets, charging back home at full speed. His guitar...if he had it maybe he could get Brendon back. Well, his Brendon back. The one he had spent countless days speaking to and the one he…

The one he loved.

Ryan didn’t like to admit it. In fact that was the very last thing he wanted to do, was admit the feelings he had toward Brendon. At this point though there was no denying it. He was hopelessly in love with him, and at the moment that Brendon was gone, and Ryan needed to get him back.

Nearly tripping over his own feet as he swung open the door, Ryan stumbled into the room surprising Spencer with the sudden noise.

“Ryan? You’re home early.” He sounded concerned, almost careful with the volume of his voice as if Ryan was fragile and made of porcelain, like he could break any moment. It wasn’t entirely false. 

“Brendon and I had an idea.” Ryan responded nonchalantly, ignoring the way Spencer was speaking to him. “I’m gonna grab my guitar and get back to him. I won’t be here long.”

Ryan went to go to his room, only making it a few steps before a strong grip on his arm stopped him in his tracks. “Ryan, listen to me.”

When Ryan turned he was face to face with Spencer, who’s expression had turned stern and his lips pulled into a thin line. Ryan felt his heart drop into his stomach. Ryan knew that look. It was the look of someone who thought he was crazy.

“What?” Ryan asked carefully, eyeing Spencer suspiciously, trying to tug his arm away to no avail.

“We need to talk about this whole Brendon thing.” Ryan was shaking his head even as the words came out, frantically trying to pull away now. He should have known Spencer would have been like this, he should have known he didn’t believe.

“Let go of me!” Ryan spat, using his free hand to attempt and push Spencer away, yet he was too weak. After all, he hadn’t had much energy these days anyway. There was no way he could win, and Ryan even knew that. 

“Ryan, stop. You need help, Brendon’s gone. You can’t be doing this to yourself.” Spencer’s voice was demanding as his other arm got restrained, and Ryan struggled helplessly in the stronger man’s arms, cursing him and trying his best to get his arms free.

“LET GO OF ME YOU BITCH!” Ryan screamed, freeing one of his arms. “YOU THINK I’M CRAZY AND YET YOU DON’T EVEN TRY TO SEE! LET ME GO!”

His screams began to mix with sobs, until the fight drained from his body and he collapsed in Spencer’s arms. Without a word Spencer basically dragged him to his room, dropping his weeping body onto the bed. 

“I’m going to give you some time to calm down. I have a therapy appointment set up tomorrow. Don’t even try leaving, I’ve locked all the doors.” There was a hint of sorrow in Spencer’s voice, yet red hot anger made it almost impossible to hear for Ryan. He didn’t even respond other than raising his hand and flicking him off, his own hand blurry with the tears impairing his vision.

With a sigh Spencer closed the door, and Ryan could hear the click of a lock as Spencer abandoned him once again. Ryan wasted some time to cry into his sheets, soaking them with the salty tears that he was growing to hate. By the time he sat up again, he had a cold hard force of determination settling in his chest.

That some force drove him to stop his tears, hoping to convince Spencer that he was fine, asleep, or something. Digging through piles of clothes and various other items scattered around the messy room that he claimed for the time being, Ryan found what he was looking for.

It wasn’t much, his guitar. He hadn’t even held it in his hands since Brendon had died, and even looking at it now sent a feeling of sadness flood through his body. Pushing those emotions to the back of his mind, Ryan grabbed the guitar tightly and grabbed the closest hard, sharp object near to him. Spencer hadn’t thought of baby proofing Ryan’s room.

Ryan gripped the screwdriver that was left in his room from when Spencer rehung his closet door, and he pushed up the window. He stabbed the screen with the screwdriver and dragged it down, tearing it down the middle. He ripped the screen wide open, pulling his smaller body and his Gibson J-45 out onto the fire escape outside his window. He looked through the window again before snatching a photo of he and Brendon off his side table. 

He took off as fast as he could, the guitar slung across his back and picture bending slightly in his shaking hands. The photo had been taken while they were playing a show, and honestly, Ryan didn’t even remember what song it was from. All he knew was that picture was one of the last ones he had of Brendon alive. 

 

The tears came again before he could stop them, and when he finally came to the shore he collapsed on the sandy ground, not even hearing the sound of Brendon making his way to the spot he normally occupied. “Ryan?”

Ryan’s head jolted up, and his eyes met Brendon’s concerned ones as a sob broke his lips and he flung himself into his arms, his body shaking. He had no clue how many times something similar to this had happened in the short time they had been reunited, but he didn’t care. Honestly, neither did Brendon.

“What’s that?” Brendon said after a few moments of his head buried in Ryan’s hair, motioning towards the picture still clutched tightly in Ryan’s hand.

Ryan was quiet for a few seconds, shifting slightly as if the subject made him uncomfortable. “That? It’s one of the last pictures I have of you and me together before...you know.”

A few drops of rain fell, mixing in with the tears on Ryan’s face. He slowly handed the photo to Brendon, watching his face intently. As soon as his eyes caught sight of the photo, they widened. Brendon traced his fingertips lightly over Ryan’s face in the photo and whispered, “We were playing Mad as Rabbits…” he trailed off. Ryan’s eyes widened, and he gasped quietly as the memory was triggered.

“How do you know that?” Ryan asked breathlessly. Brendon’s eyes met his and he bit his lip. 

“I dunno...it just came to me. I saw the photo, and I saw you singing, we were in an arena, and I heard the words Mad as Rabbits…” 

Ryan’s expression turned thoughtful for a few moments as he studied Brendon’s face and then glanced at his guitar. “Wait.” He muttered, grabbing the instrument he had abandoned on the sandy ground when he had gone to hug Brendon. “If just seeing a photo of us singing can bring some memory back, maybe…”

Ryan trailed off, running his finger absentmindedly down the guitar, yet Brendon finished the sentence for him. “Then maybe singing together will help me get even more back!”

A smile broke onto both of their lips, “What song?” Ryan questioned, shifting into a more comfortable position to play in as the rain began to beat down in slightly harder sheets. 

“I only know Northern Downpour fully.” Brendon replied, frowning slightly now. He wished he could remember more.

“Good, ‘cause I think that one will help the most.” Ryan’s eyes settled on the guitar now, slowly starting to strum.

Listen to the audio all the way through then continue- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6PfjxAyE6U

Brendon’s memories came back in waves, crashing over his mind. He remembered everything.  
He remembered the day he met Ryan. He remembered their first practice. He remembered the day Ryan heard him singing for the first time.  
He remembered everything.  
He remembered living in that shitty apartment together. He remembered writing songs together. He remembered sharing their first joint, their first drink together. He remembered the day he asked Ryan on a date.   
He remembered everything.   
He remembered their first tour, their first awards show, their first after party. He remembered their first date, and their first kiss outside that diner at three am.   
He remembered everything.  
He remembered locking themselves in a cabin for their second album. He remembered the high times in the place it began. He remembered Spencer, Jon, Pete.   
He remembered everything.  
He remembered their drunken kisses on the bus when they thought no one would hear. He remembered the lazy hickies and the fumbling at belt buckles.   
He remembered everything.  
And he didn’t know what to do, because he had a week left with Ryan.

So he kissed him, because that’s all he could think to do.


	7. Genius only comes along

Ryan didn’t know what made Brendon initiate the kiss, but he was certainly okay with it. 

He could feel Brendon's hands wrap themselves into his hair, seeming to pull him closer, as if he desperately needed to be as close as they could possibly get considering the situation. Ryan couldn't help but marvel at the fact that even after their months apart from this their lives lips could still find that perfect way to connect.

Brendon only pulled away when he knew Ryan needed a break to breath, but even then he kept his head close, and Ryan could feel his surprisingly warm breath warming his cold cheeks. He was close enough to see the tears slipping down his cheek, the way his eyes were staring into Ryan's as if he were the only person in the world, and that's when he heard the whisper.

“I remember you, my golden god.” 

Ryan didn't even hesitate, his lips finding Brendon's once more as he felt his own tears find their way down his cheeks. This one wasn't quite as long, but all the more meaningful as Ryan pulled away and buried his head into Brendon's shoulder. 

A laugh came from Brendon's lips as his arms latched around Ryan, holding him closer. “I remember you! I remember…” His grip grew tighter. “and I will never forget again.”

“Promise?” Ryan's shaky voice whispered, muffled by Brendon's shoulder yet still loud enough for him to hear.

“I promise.” Brendon responded softly, refusing to let Ryan lose from his grip just yet. 

They stayed like this for a long time, both of them scared to be the first to let go in case the memories went with the end of their embrace. It was a terrifying moment when they finally pulled apart, yet it turned comfortable when Brendon assured they were back for good.

“Do you remember everything?” Ryan asked, using his wrist to wipe the tears away. “Even when we were…?”

“Yes.” Brendon replied, his hand finding and cupping Ryan's cheek. “I remember it all. Everything.”

Brendon decided it would be best not to mention he also remembered the night of his death, the strangling feeling he felt and the cool way his whole body seemed to feel as it remembered the warmth of what used to be life. That was for another time. 

Ryan leaned into Brendon's touch, the hand a comforting feeling to him. A smile settled on his lips as he closed his eyes, letting the joy of the moment spread through him.

Brendon pulled Ryan closer to him, laying in the sand and letting Ryan cuddle closer to him, both of them forgetting the worries of being seen for a few moments.

The quiet was broken when Ryan finally spoke up. “I don't want to go back.”

“What do you mean?” Brendon had his face close to Ryan's, enjoying the warmth a human body could give to one like this that was always freezing. “Why not?”

“It's Spencer. He thinks I'm crazy.” Sadness had spilled over into Ryan's voice, which caused Brendon's heart to jump in anger. He never wanted to hear that emotion in Ryan's voice again, not anymore. He had heard it way too much for his lifetime.

“What did he do?” Brendon asked, attempting to stay calm but his irrational thinking seeming to get in his way.

“He locked me in my room, he's trying to get me to go see some psychiatrist.” As Ryan spoke Brendon became visibly pissed, yet his voice remained calm as he spoke, soothing almost to Ryan.

“You can stay here for now.”The back of his mind screamed the name Tyler at him, which he did his best to ignore. He needed time to think, and he sure as hell wasn't going to send Ryan back to Spencer to be declared insane.

Ryan muttered his thanks into Brendon's skin, doing his best to focus on the way his arms felt around him. He couldn't even fight the sleep coming as Brendon had an idea.

Sugarcane in the easy mornin'  
Weather-vanes my one and lonely  
The ink is running toward the page  
It's chasin' off the days  
Look back at both feet  
And that winding knee  
I missed your skin when you were east  
You clicked your heels and wished for me  
Through playful lips made of yarn  
That fragile Capricorn  
Unraveled words like moths upon old scarves  
I know the world's a broken bone  
But melt your headaches call it home 

His voice had no malicious intent, no fighting force behind it this time. It was just a hauntingly beautiful voice, soothing and soft. As he listened, Ryan could feel a calming presence in his chest, and he was asleep.

Brendon studied Ryan's sleeping face for a few moments, warm memories of times similar to this coming to the surface of his mind.

He finally tore his eyes away, letting his mind focus on the problem at hand. He couldn't just let Ryan stay here. Tyler was still in the waters, waiting for a moment he could strike. Not only that, but he knew this would be one of the first places Spencer looked.

For now, though, he decided it was best to let Ryan sleep. He obviously didn't get enough of it as it is. 

Who else did he trust enough to take care of Ryan in his time of need, though? Unless maybe…

He let Ryan sleep for about two hours before gently shaking him awake, watching him blink open his eyes groggily. 

“Do you still talk to Pete?” Brendon asked when he was sure Ryan was awake enough to answer.

Sitting up and wiping the sleep from his eyes, Ryan responded. “Uh...I haven't talked to him for a while, but we didn't leave off on bad terms or anything.”

“Good, call or text him. You need to get some sleep somewhere you won't wake up with a sandy ass.” Brendon smiled at the giggle Ryan gave at this. “Just tell him you got into a fight with Spencer and you need a little time away. I'm sure he'd understand.”

Ryan wrapped his arms around Brendon's chest, sighing as he did so. He didn't want to leave so soon after finally getting his Brendon back, but he knew Brendon wouldn't let him stay. “Okay, I'll call him.” 

Brendon kissed the top of Ryan's head before letting him get up and pull out his phone, dialling Pete's number and having a brief discussion and conversation with Pete. When he was done he turned to Brendon, sliding his phone into his pocket. “He said he'll come pick me up.”

Brendon smiled, a sense of relief filling him now that he knew Ryan would be in good hands. Ryan sat next to him again, a thoughtful look in his eyes. 

“I have to go, I don't think Pete should know about all...this just yet.” Especially since all this could only last a week, Brendon's conscience whispered to him, which he mentally told to shut the fuck up.

Ryan seemed to pout for a moment, but he knew it was for the best. He accepting the goodbye kiss from Brendon, watching him slip into the dark waters once more. At least it was his Brendon, and he had him back.

In the waters, Brendon let out an over exasperated sigh, his eyes scanning the waves as he went deeper into the waters. He knew Tyler would be here soon. He just had to wait.


	8. In storms of fabled foreign tongues

“Ryan!” The sound of Pete's worried voice drove Ryan's attention from the rippling waves, and a small smile forced itself on his lips as he greeted his old friend.

“Hey, Pete.” He didn't notice how raspy his voice was until that moment, and he flinched slightly at the sound.

“God, you're soaking!” Pete said right before pulling Ryan into a rough hug, his own clothes drenched then, but he didn't seem to care. “What did you do?!”

“...decided to take a midnight swim?” Ryan said, his voice unsure as he attempted at a joke. Pete's laugh was humorless.

“Well, we should get you...and me...into some dry clothes. Catching a cold would suck.” Ryan nodded, though he hadn't really been listening to what Pete had been saying. “We can talk more about all of this in the car.”

They made their way to Pete’s Range Rover, Ryan opening the passenger seat to see a towel laid across the seat. 

“The seats are leather and I, you know, figured you’d probably be wet…” Pete said as they both climbed into the SUV. Pete instantly turned the heater on, turning it on full blast to try to warm Ryan’s shaking body.  
Ryan safely got through the beginning of the drive without any pressing questions about Spencer, but the inevitable question did arise at some point when Pete glanced over to the passenger seat. After making brief eye contact for a second, the question came. “So, why can't you go home?”

“Me and Spence aren't on good terms right now…” Ryan trailed off, his eyes drifting over the road for a few seconds before he cleared his throat. “He wants me to see a psychiatrist. I don't want them to put me on a bunch of meds.” 

Pete raised a brow, glancing back at Ryan. “What made him want to send you to a psychiatrist?”

Ryan seemed to deflate at the questions, his teeth digging into his lip, the metallic taste of blood flooding his taste buds. “I told him that I've been...seeing Brendon every day.”

“What do you mean ‘seeing Brendon’? Like, hallucinations?” Pete's concerned gaze locked onto Ryan's eyes, and a flurry of panic flooded his brain. If he told Pete the truth, he would definitely bring him right to Spencer. He would have to lie, for both him and Brendon.

“Yeah, hallucinations. I see him...a lot. I miss him...Pete, I love him.” It felt nice to leave his tongue, to reveal to someone else what he felt towards Brendon, the emotions he had struggled with for so long.

A look of sympathy flashed across Pete's face, the vehicle slowing down slightly as he seemed to process the information. He opened his mouth once, then twice, closing it each time as he seemed to try and find a way to reword what he wanted to say. The third time, the words actually came. “Ryan...maybe going to a psychiatrist would actually help.”

Ryan sucked a breath into his lungs as soon as Pete said it, and before he knew it he was struggling to get what he believed what was enough air. His chest rose and fell, his eyes blown wide showing the whites around his iris. He forced his voice out through his hyperventilation, basically begging with the only person he has any ounce of trust left in other than Brendon. “Please...don't bring me back to Spencer's. I can't handle it, I can't, please…” He was crying now, but he hardly even noticed.

Pete pulled over on the side of the road, turning in his seat to make eye contact with the heartbroken boy in his passenger seat. The ding of his phone grabbed Pete's attention for a moment, and he grabbed it. Ryan could barely make out the name Spencer as the reason behind the sound, and the panic took hold as he began to sob.

Pete looked at his phone for a long while before tossing it to the side, watching Ryan's tears fall from his cheeks to the towel underneath him. His whole body shaking despite the blasting heater, which had replaced the chill he had felt earlier with sweat. After a long moment of thought, Pete spoke. 

“Ryan, I'm not going to take you back to Spencer's. That's probably the worse thing I could do to you right now, you need time to get better. I won't force you to go back.”

Ryan began to sputter out various ‘thank you’s and apologies, but Pete raised a hand to stop him before continuing.

“Could you stay over with me and Patrick for a little while until we get this whole thing settled?” Pete asked, watching Ryan shake his head yes almost over enthusiastically. “We have a guest room you could stay in until you're comfortable with going back, or find a better place to stay.”

“Yes, that would be amazing! I can't thank you enough, Pete-” Ryan was cut off before he could finish, again.

“Just...promise me you’ll try to get better?” 

“I promise.” Ryan assured, a feeling of warmth spreading through his chest. He was better after all. He had Brendon, and that's all that mattered.

\--

Brendon was right, Tyler did appear soon after Ryan left and he had returned into the inky black mass that was the ocean. 

The water around Brendon seemed different around Brendon ever since he had entered them with a mind full of his old memories, of his old Ryan. As if they were foreboding, threatening him with the consequences he feared would come of his time spent with Ryan.

“Brendon.” The voice was chilly, tinged with sadness when Brendon heard Tyler speak. “What have you done?”

“I...remember. I remember everything about who I was...am?” Brendon's eyes were downcast as panic settled into Tyler's eyes. “I also remember Ryan, Ty. I remember him and…”

“You love him.” Tyler finished for him plainly, which made Brendon's heart plummet for a second.

“Yeah, I do. I really do, Tyler. I did even before I got my memories back.” Brendon talked as Tyler sighed, running his hand through his short hair and staring at a spot somewhere behind Brendon.

“I know you do. I wish I didn't let it get this far.” Tyler frowned then, shaking his head. “Brendon, can I tell you something?”

Brendon's expression hardened, “I'm not going to kill Ryan.” He basically spat the words as if even saying them was poison on his tongue.

“No, I don't expect you to. You've gone too far for that to be an option. I want to say...be careful. The path you two chose, it's dangerous. I know first hand, I lost Joshua because of it and damn it I don't want you to have to lose Ryan as soon as you get your memories back too.” Tyler looked away from Brendon, clearly uncomfortable with talking about the Joshua he kept bringing up. 

“Too…? Tyler, do you remember?” Brendon asked, inching forward in the water slightly only for Tyler to recoil.

“Yes, and I wish every waking moment that I didn't. You have a week Brendon, not to kill him, but to be with him. Love him. After that...don't go near him again. Or I'll have to take his life, whether I want to or not.”


	9. Tripping eyes and flooded lungs

Staying with Pete and Patrick was refreshing after all the drama Ryan had been through. They didn't treat him like he was crazy, like everything had to be hidden from him for his safety. They just acted like he was...Ryan. It was a nice break.

He woke in the morning to a pile of clothes on the side of his bed, likely left there by Pete. He sat up, rubbing his eyes to clear them from the blur of sleep hanging over them. He went through the pile in his half asleep haze, picking his favorite shirt- one that used to be Brendon's- out of habit. Sometimes, if he tried hard enough, he could fool his mind into thinking it smelled like him. He had a lot of practice.

It took him a few moments to give himself the motivation to get out of bed for good, only doing do because he knew he had to get to the beach. It was the first good night's sleep he had in a long while.

“Good morning, Ryan!” Patrick's cheerful voice lifted Ryan's tired mood for a moment, placing a smile on his lips. 

“Mornin’” Pete chimed from the couch, where he laid face down muttering into a pillow.

Patrick gave Ryan a sheepish grin, before turning his head towards Pete. “Please excuse Pete, he's pouting because I won't go out with him tonight.”

Pete sat up now, his brows furrowed. “I am not pouting.”

“The fact that your lower lip is stuck out tells me otherwise, Mr.Toddler. I thought you were already out of your terrible twos.” Patrick laughed at the fake hurt gasp from Pete, and Ryan did too.

They reminded him of what him and Brendon had.

Do have?

He guessed it was complicated.

“I made breakfast if you want, Ryan.” Patrick said, gesturing towards some eggs and toast laid out on the table.

“Ah, no thanks. I'm not hungry. I was gonna head out for a bit.” Ryan rubbed his arm nervously, his eyes flitting towards the door.

“Where you going?” 

“Beach. Helps me clear my mind.” Ryan tapped his head for good measure, smiling at the two.

“Alright, be careful Ryan. You know what my number is if you need me.” Pete's originally playful voice had switched to concern, a small frown on his face.

“I will.”

Ryan wasted no time getting out the door, walking to the beach with a skip in his step despite the walk being slightly longer than normal. He was glad Patrick and Pete didn't live too far from the beach.

When he got there, Brendon was already waiting, smiling.

“Ryan!” Brendon called, and it took all of Ryan's effort to not slip on the wet sand as he ran to him, letting himself and his shirt get soaked while Brendon pulled him into a tight embrace. 

The two stayed like that for a while, Ryan enjoying the smell of Brendon mixed with the salty sea water.

When he finally pulled away, Brendon inspected him, his eyes falling on the shirt Ryan was wearing, remembering it.

In fact, he had a certain memory that came with the sight of it.

\--  
\--

Brendon rolled over sleepily, his arm weaving itself around Ryan's thin torso. pulling him closer, he buried his face between Ryan's shoulder blades and inhaled deeply. 

Aftershave, sex, and mint gum. 

Ryan. 

Brendon nuzzled his cheek against Ryan's back, rubbing his stubble covered cheek across the soft cotton of his "class of 2005" shirt. 

"Mmm, go to bed...", Ryan mumbled, and Brendon let out a sigh of happiness. 

"Okay baby."  
\--

Brendon must have been smiling like an idiot, because when he snapped out of the memory Ryan was giving him a confused look, a smile on his face.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Brendon let out a chuckle, nuzzling his face into the faded fabric. “Oh nothing, just remembering something.” He mumbled into Ryan's warmth, unable to stop a smirk from gracing across his lips.

“What do you-oh. That was this shirt, wasn't it?”

“Mmmhmm…” Brendon drawled before pulling back, taking a minute to enjoy the embarrassed and blushing look on Ryan's face. “I have to admit, it does look pretty cute on you. I think I prefer when it's off, though.”

Ryan shoved him, burying his face in his hands. He had forgotten how damn flirty Brendon was.

Brendon leaned forward again, his breath warming the tips of Ryan's right ear as he whispered into it. “Y’know, I think I like it the best when there's nothing on at all.”

“Brendon, do you even have a dick?” Ryan asked, not even trying to hide the fact that he was flustered and, more importantly, the fact that Brendon's flirting was kinda (and that's all Ryan would admit) working.

“Nope,” His voice emphasized on the ‘p’, “but you do.”

Ryan pushed Brendon away, causing the siren laugh joyously, “C’monnnn…”

“You're a horrible fucking flirt, you know that?” Was all Ryan said in return, biting his lip slightly with his head angled down to hide his pink cheeks.

“Says the boy whose face is the color of a red rose right now, Mr. Moon.” Brendon teased before pulling Ryan to him once more, letting the boy’s head fall onto his shoulder.

Ryan sat up again now, letting Brendon shift to be able to look at him directly in the eyes. Considering the earlier conversation, Ryan was expecting a kiss, or something of that sort. What he got was point blank stare, his eyes locked on his.

“Uh, Brendon, are you okay?” Ryan asked, seeming to break Brendon from whatever trance he was in.

“Yeah, hold on, I'll be right back.” Brendon replied, and before Ryan could stop him he was in the waters.

“...rude.” Ryan muttered, shaking his head and pulling his knees to his chest as he waited for the sirens return.

While in reality it was only a few minutes, it felt like an eternity for Ryan. Every second away from Brendon was like that for him. After all, his whole world revolved around the sun that was Brendon Urie.

When Brendon resurfaced, he was holding a rock in his hands. Tiny, smooth, and dark brown that seemed to melt into a mocha color.

Just like Ryan's eyes.

He held it up beside Ryan's face, a small, childish grin seeming to light up his whole face.

“It's the same color of your eyes!” 

Goddammit, that was cute...and romantic. How was he supposed to beat that (not that it was a game or anything)?

“God, I love you…” Ryan said with a shake of his head, his eyes locking with Brendon's for a moment before dipping down to the ground.

“We gotta like...find a rock that looks like my eyes so we could each have a little bit of each other when we aren't together.” Brendon said, the joy in his voice dropping off a bit as he reached the end of the sentence, as his mind seemed to become consumed in thought. Ryan didn't bother to stop it, because he knew how it felt to fear the time spent alone, even if he didn't know the full story behind Brendon's feeling.

“How am I going to find one? I can't exactly go and look.” Ryan said, watching a smile break across Brendon's lips.

“I wouldn't exactly say that…” Brendon smirked at Ryan's confused face,”You don't mind getting a little more wet, do you?”

“Uh, I didn't bring any swim trunks…” 

“Use your boxers, it isn't as if I haven't seen you in less before.” Brendon ended his statement with a wink, and Ryan looked away quickly to hide the blush that brushed his cheeks.

“You, Brendon, are a bitch…” Ryan said while pulling his shirt off and laying it in the sand beside him. “but I love you.”

Brendon gave him a goofy smile, his chin resting on his hand. “I love you too, baby.”

Placing his jeans beside the shirt, Ryan turned towards Brendon, grinning at the smile on Brendon's face. “What now?”

“Well...normally I'd say something a little more lewd than this-” Brendon paused, chuckling at scrunched up nose Ryan had as he said those words before continuing,”-but I say we take a little swim and try to find the rock for you.”

“And how exactly are we going to do that?” Ryan asked with a brow raised, to which Brendon only smirked. 

“What-” Before Ryan could finish his question, Brendon had grabbed and pulled him into the water. 

They luckily didn't go under right away, Brendon had considered the fact that Ryan would probably gasp, and he made eye contact with the boy for a moment before cracking a smile. “Hold your breath, babe. You won't be able to breath for a second.”

Ryan sucked in a deep breath, before Brendon pulled him under the salty waters. He heard Brendon’s contagious laughter, but kept his eyes closed. 

“Babe, you can open your eyes.” Brendon said, and Ryan shook his head, not wanting his eyes to burn in the saltwater. 

“Oh yeah, shit, here.” He felt Brendon’s fingers brush gently over his closed eyes. “Okay now open them.”

Ryan hesitantly opened his eyes, and he was relieved to realize that the water wasn’t affecting his eyes at all. 

“Okay, don’t freak out.” Brendon said, causing Ryan to roll his eyes playfully. Brendon leant in, as if he was going to kiss Ryan. He got so close that their lips did brush, and he slowly blew out a bit of air. It formed an air bubble around Ryan’s nose and mouth, Ryan’s eyes widening.

“Go ahead and breathe, baby.” Brendon said, and Ryan let out a breath warily. The bubbles of carbon dioxide floated off from the bubble around his mouth, and he slowly breathed in. The air was fresh, and Ryan’s mind was blown.

“You can talk too babe.” Brendon laughed. Ryan blushed, and nodded. 

“How did you do that?” He questioned, amazed. Brendon laughed again, slipping his hand into Ryan’s as he started to pull him further out to sea.

“Dallon showed me, I don’t know how it works exactly, but it does. In case you forgot, I’m not exactly human. I’m not exactly bound to the same laws as you mere mortals.” He joked, laughing somewhat forcefully. 

“Well how long does it last?” Ryan queried, inspecting the ocean floor. There were schools of tiny fish in rainbows of colors swimming around, some nibbling gently on Ryan’s toes, causing him to giggle.

“Should last until you surface, or I pop it. It’ll filter out the carbon dioxide as you already saw, and should constantly be oxygen.” Brendon explained, but Ryan was too distracted by a small octopus that had latched itself to his pointer finger. Ryan giggled at it, causing Brendon to smile fondly at him.

“Hi little guy.” Ryan cooed at the baby octopus. Brendon laughed as he heard the thoughts of the octopus

“Hi big person, please don’t eat me.” 

“He thinks you’re gonna eat him.” Brendon laughed, and Ryan looked appalled. 

“No way! You can hear their thoughts?” 

“Yeah, and understand whale songs. And dolphin squeaks. The whole nine yards.” Brendon smiled at Ryan as he gently lowered the baby octopus to the ocean floor, allowing him to scramble off his finger and into a conch shell in the sand. Ryan laughed, before allowing himself to be pulled away by Brendon.

As Brendon pulled Ryan along, he couldn't help but watch as Ryan looked around with a cheerful grin. It had been a while since he had seen Ryan this happy, and he was soaking in every moment of it.

In fact, he was so focused on Ryan that he almost didn't notice the presence of another siren watching them in the distance. Almost.

He did see him though, the red eyes catching his attention, and his heart leapt to his throat. Tyler…

Why was he staring at them? Instinctively Brendon pulled Ryan closer to him, his earlier conversation with Tyler ringing in his ears but having no effect on his nerves. 

“Brendon? Are you okay?” Ryan questioned as he noticed the look on Brendon's face, though he wasn't complaining at the sudden closeness.

Brendon, who had kept his eyes trained on Tyler, turned his attention towards Ryan. “Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just thought I saw something...anyway, I have someone you should meet.” Brendon said, somewhat in a rush, hurriedly moving Ryan and him in a direction further from Tyler and towards where Dallon generally liked to roam.

Ryan, confused but not willing to push any further, let Brendon pull him through the water, his eyes trailing on the sandy floor as they did. After all, he still had to find a rock that matched Brendon's eyes (which he believed would be hard considering he'd have to find something perfect in his eyes to do that).

Brendon was now focusing more on the surroundings than Ryan, as hard as that was, to keep an eye out for Tyler. Why had he thought it would be a good idea to bring Ryan down here? Sure, Tyler had promised him a week with Ryan, but how could he be sure to keep that promise.

Tyler, who used to be one Brendon’s best friends, was quickly becoming a thing of his nightmares, and Brendon hated every second of it.

Brendon felt Ryan's other hand on shoulder and turned his eyes back to him, finding his gaze fixated on Dallon in the distance. Of course, the one time he wasn't paying attention would be when he showed up.

Ryan turned towards Brendon with wide eyes, mixture of confusion and fear in them. “Who's that?” He whispered, sounding much like a small child, which made Brendon break into a smile.

“That's who I wanted you to meet. He's the reason I could even get to you in the first place.” Brendon started to make his way towards Dallon with Ryan, waving his free hand at the siren.

“Brendon...and Ryan I'm assuming?” Dallon said when the two were close enough to hear, a grin on his face.

Ryan self-consciously moved to hide slightly behind Brendon, peering out at Dallon with an almost fearful look, his mind choosing the worst moment to remind him that he was only in his boxers. He leaned forward slightly so he was closer to Brendon's ear before whispering. “How does he know my name?”

Brendon laughed at this, shaking his head slightly. “Considering I didn't shut up about you since we first reunited, it'd kinda be weird if he didn't.”

“Yeah, you should have heard him. Everyone in the Ocean must know the name Ryan now.” Dallon said with a chuckle, while Brendon rolled his eyes and Ryan tried to subtly hide himself further behind Brendon. 

“I'm not gonna bite, you know. If anything that would be Brendon.” Dallon commented as he noticed Ryan slowly disappearing behind Brendon, smirking at the embarrassed look that flashed across Ryan's face.

“Oh, trust me, he knows I bite.” Brendon said, earning a weak punch from Ryan on his arm.

“Wow, okay, I didn't need to know that.” Dallon said, and both Ryan and Brendon could hold back a laugh, even if Ryan's was kind of nervous.

“So, why’d you bring him down here?” Dallon asked, turning his eyes to Brendon.

Ryan answered instead, though, which was sort of a surprise even for himself. “He wanted to help me find a rock that matched his eyes because we want to feel like we have each other even when we aren't there.”

Brendon smiled hearing Ryan say it in his almost shy voice.

“God, that's so romantic I think I'm actually gonna be sick with how sweet it is. Let me guess, Brendon's idea...he's always been a bit of a sap from what I've seen.” Ryan couldn't help but comment in the back of his mind that Dallon hadn't seen much, but he tried his best to push that thought from his head.

“Oh shut up, Dallon.” Brendon said, and Dallon raised a brow.

“It was you, wasn't it?” He questioned, which Brendon responded to with a pause.

“...Yes.”

Dallon broke into laughter then, “Knew it. Anyway, I can help if you want, considering Brendon can't see his own eyes.”

“You have a valid point.” Brendon said, glancing at Ryan who had an almost doubtful look on his face.

After a moment of silence in pondering the choice, Ryan nodded, and with Dallon’s help they were able to find a rock that Ryan confirmed was the closest they'd get to Brendon's eyes (while it wasn't an exact match, Ryan had known to expect it, after all, there are no duplicates of perfection).

Holding the rock firmly in his hands, Ryan avoided talking as much as possible, suddenly quiet now that there was another siren around. Brendon didn't like this quiet Ryan, and while he wasn't entirely sure what brought him around, he wanted to bring back the Ryan he had seen earlier.

That's why he said his goodbyes to Dallon quickly, and went their own ways in order to get the privacy Ryan had wanted. It didn't help that the earlier adrenaline rush was finally beginning to fade, and Ryan was beginning to grow tired, letting Brendon do all of the work in bringing him along (which wasn't really hard).

It was when Brendon noticed the other boy yawn that an idea popped into his head. “You know, we should probably head back up.”

“What? Why? I don't wanna...” Ryan murmured, trying to force back another yawn and failing. Damn human bodies and their quick to tire energies.

“Ryan, you're acting like a toddler who's trying to avoid taking a nap.” 

“Am not.” Ryan whined before letting Brendon finish what he was saying.

“You should really get some more rest, and Pete is probably going to want you home soon.” Brendon looked at the pout on Ryan's face and chuckled before continuing. “There'll be plenty of time to explore the ocean with me later, my golden god. When you aren't as tired.”

Ryan eyed Brendon warily, as if he didn't fully believe him, “Promise?”

“I promise. Come on, let's get you back up to land.”


	10. Northern downpour sends its love

Brendon shouldn't have promised, but it wasn't as if he had known that it would storm, or that Ryan would get sick.

“Pete, come on, it's just a little rain…” Ryan complained, a pout on his lips as his arms hugged himself.

“Yeah, and you're sick, so you're not leaving.” Pete’s stubborn voice replied, and Ryan let out a childish groan that was followed by a heavy cough.

“I'm fine, please, I just wanna go to the beach.” Ryan begged, only to be shut down once more, not by mother Pete, but by Mother Patrick.

“The beach? In this weather? I think the fuck not.” 

“You two are acting like you're my damn parents.” Ryan complained, rubbing his eyes. He would never admit it, but Pete and Patrick were absolutely right. He really should head back to bed and rest up, but in comparison to seeing Brendon, he didn't really care.

“Until you are better, we are, so get some sleep.” Patrick demanded, turning Ryan around and forcing him to march back to the guest room. He was going to complain, but when his body hit the mattress all of the things he had wanted to say just seemed to melt away.

Brendon would be okay without him for just one day, right?

\--

Wrong.

Brendon was a sort of clingy person even before all of the events of the last month, and everything that had happened only fueled it.

He didn't think much of it in the first few minutes past their normal meeting time. It was raining, of course he'd have some trouble getting here as fast as he normally did. It was when the minutes ticked past into hours that be began working feel worry stab at his heart.

After three hours of waiting for him, Brendon concluded he wasn't coming. He couldn't even feel his presence anywhere near the beach, and by now he should have already been here even if he was running late.

Catching his bottom lip between his teeth and chewing it nervously, Brendon submerged himself into the water, attempting to let the darkness wash away his fears of what was happening to Ryan. It didn't work.

He swam back and forth in the shallows, the water just deep enough to submerge him so human eyes couldn't see, it was his equivalent of pacing, until a voice behind him along with a presence caused him to turn. “Brendon, are you okay?”

Brendon's eyes locked with red ones and his eyes narrowed as he snapped, “Do I look like it, Tyler?”

“No need to be rude.”

“Considering you're part of the reason I'm so damn worried, yes, it is perfectly okay for me to be rude.” Brendon flipped him off for good measure, and Tyler couldn't help but roll his eyes.

“Why would I have anything to do with why you're worried. I promised you a week with Ryan, that week is not up. Just because he isn't here doesn't mean I did something to him.” Tyler sighed, running his hand through his short, dark hair. “Brendon, I know it doesn't feel like it, but I do care about you, and Ryan for that matter. I just know these sort of things don't work.”

Brendon let out a sound similar to a growl, turning away from the other siren. “You keep saying that, that you know how these work. Why should I believe you for one second? How am I supposed to believe this Joshua even exists?”

Anger flashed in Tyler’s eyes and his hand gripped Brendon's harshly as he hissed. “Don’t.” He pushed Brendon backwards in the water, his red eyes seemingly piercing right through Brendon's soul.

“You want me to prove Josh existed? Want me to show you I know that this human and siren thing is a bad fucking idea? I will.” Tyler grabbed Brendon's arm, pulling him along without much care for the protest on his side.

They traveled fast, and it was quiet the entire time. A shadow had crossed across Tyler's face, and he tilted his head slightly as he paused after about an hour of quiet swimming. He forced them both deeper into the water, and Brendon was quite nervous. He never really traveled far from the beach recently, as strange as that was. He liked to stay within his home area, and he previously thought Tyler did too. Something told him that wasn't entirely true, though, as Tyler brought him to what seemed to be something similar to a cave or burrow.

Wordlessly, Tyler grabbed two things that Brendon recognized as drumsticks, along with something encompasses protectively in a bubble. Somewhat hesitantly, he handed the drumsticks to Brendon, keeping the bubble with what seemed to be a sort of picture within in his hands.

“Those were Josh's. He was a fantastic drummer, no, more that fantastic...I can't describe him. I may be a little biased, though.” Melancholy filled eyes focused ahead, Tyler's voice began to quiver as he continued speaking. “I knew him before I died, like you did with Ryan. We didn't date or anything though, we were just best friends. When I died…” Tyler swallowed hard. “I was mad. At him. God, more mad than I ever thought I could be before. It doesn't matter what he did, I don't need to give you my fucking sob story, but...he saw me. He saw me jump...and he saw the transformation. He shouldn't have, I shouldn't have even been able to turn if he saw me, but I guess I'm just special like that.” He smiled sourly, eyes locking with Brendon. “I didn't have much time without memories, though I wish I did. Josh wouldn't leave me alone, and he would bring old songs I wrote, try everything to get me back. It worked, somewhat, but what really changed it was when he kissed me. God, it was like a switch went off in my brain, and I could remember everything. Most importantly, I could remember him. All of our old talks, our friendship, our everything, and goddamn I loved him.” The smile on his lips turned bittersweet with memories. “He loved me, too, and we were happy.” 

The smile faltered, and Tyler sucked in a breath before continuing darkly. “I was still a siren, though, and a siren’s job had to be done. I had to kill, it wasn't a question of me wanting to. With human memories, killing was hard enough as it is, and with Josh's reaction every time…he knew I didn't want to, but I could see it in his eyes. I scared him. I was a murderer. I had taken so many human lives, yet he tried to love me anyway.”

“One day, though, he saw it first hand. Close by, he watched me take the life of a little girl.” Tyler was beginning to have trouble talking, his breathing rate increasing rapidly as he began to recount the memory. “I didn't know she was so young, I swear. I would have never tried to...I didn't want...she died. And he saw. And he yelled. And I promised not to kill.”

“Sirens like me...we have to kill. A lot, and as you can probably guess, me deciding to not just because of a human was not something that pleased the ocean. So one day, when me and Josh were on the beach-” His hand flew to his mouth for a moment, and for one horrifying moment Brendon thought the other siren was going to be sick.

“Tyler, you don't have to…”

“No. You have to know what they could do to Ryan, what they might do to Ryan. You know what drowning feels like. You know how horrible it is. They kept him on the brink of drowning for so long, Brendon, so long...they kept pulling him under...holding him there, before letting him go and have hope...before just doing it all over again...and the sharks…” Tyler whimpered, breathing heavily.

“Stop. Please.” Brendon whispered, wishing he could rid his mind of the images that it filled with, all of Ryan in similar circumstances to what Tyler was speaking of. The mere thought of it was enough to make him feel nauseous.

Tyler stayed quiet for a few moments before shoving the bubble in Brendon's general direction, turning away from him in an attempt to hide the emotions displaying themselves on his face. It didn't do much considering his whole body was quaking.

Inside the bubble was a picture of a man, more of a boy considering he looked rather young, with dark hair and a dazzling smile on his face. 

“Is this…?”

“Yes, that's Josh, about 3 months before I...Y’know.” Tyler turned and grabbed the bubble, a small, sad smile forcing itself onto his face as he held it, and after a few quiet seconds he whispered. “I still love him. I just wish I could have him back.”

“Tyler...I'm sorry I didn't believe you.” Brendon said quietly, and Tyler forced himself to shrug.

“I wouldn't have believed me either, if it was you telling me to not go to Josh...we'd be in the same situation me and you are now. It's hard to stay away from someone you love.” Tyler placed the bubble back into it’s hiding place as he spoke. “But Brendon…”

Brendon made eye contact with the bright red of the other siren’s eyes as he responded. “What, Ty?”

“Don't get your panties in too much of a twist over Ryan not showing up today, okay? It's pouring out, and he's human. I know you want to make every moment count, but you need to know you'll be okay without him here.” Tyler gave him a sad, sympathetic smile as he finished, and Brendon could feel a spark of their old friendship attempting to reignite.

He didn't know just let if he'd let it. “You're a douche...but a right douche. I'm sure Pete and Patrick wouldn't have let him out to the beach with it raining like this.” 

“I'm sure he'll be back within the next few days, don't worry.” Tyler sighed, his fingertips skimming over the surface of the bubble once more before he sent a look towards Brendon. “You can head back if you want now, in case he does show up. I just...wanted you to understand.”

Brendon nodded, turning to leave without as much as a goodbye. He paused when Tyler spoke once more.

“Brendon?”

“Yeah?”

“I'm sorry.”

\--

It took two days for Pete and Patrick to declare Ryan was free from his sickness and allow him to leave the house. He basically ran the whole way there when he was declared okay, because the whole time he was away Brendon was on his mind, like a broken record.

“Brendon!” Only slowing so he would slip on the wet sand, Ryan scanned the waters briefly as Brendon broke the water’s surface as he sensed the presence of his boyfriend.

“Ryan!”

Within moments Brendon had reached the shore, pulling Ryan into his arms, burying his nose into his hair and closing his eyes and he reveled in presence of the one he loved. “I missed you.” He murmured, his grip around him tightening slightly.

“I'm so sorry I was gone for so long...I was sick, and you know how Patrick can get.” Ryan's hands absentmindedly began to rub Brendon's back in the embrace as he spoke.

“He got all mama bear, huh?” Brendon chuckled slightly, pulling away so he could look Ryan in the eyes.

“Surprisingly, that was more of Pete. He had a pretty strong grip on me, wouldn't even let me out of bed for the first day.” Brendon raised a brow as Ryan spoke, and a smile lit up Ryan's face when he saw it.

“Really? He always seemed more of a chill dad kind of guy.” Ryan chuckled, pressing his face against Brendon's chest and staying quiet afterwards, listening to the beating of his heart.

“I love you, you know that right?” He said after a moment, moving his head so he could see Brendon and still hear his heart. It was slow, slower than a humans would be, pumping ice cold blood through his veins. 

“Hmm...do you? I can’t seem to remember how much.” Brendon cracked a smile, and Ryan rolled his eyes.

“You just want me to tell you how much I love you, don't you?”

“Can you blame a guy?”

“Let me think...I love you enough that I trusted you to drag me to the bottom of the fucking ocean.” Both of them smiled at this.

“...Fair enough.” He pressed a quick kiss to Ryan's lips, adjusting so they could cuddle more comfortably. “How is Pete? Haven't seen him in forever.”

“He’s good. Really good actually, him and Patrick moved in together. He seems happy.” Ryan smiled at the image of the happy couple that came to mind.

“Hard to think that that could have been us, hm?” Brendon said, inspecting Ryan's face as he did so.

“...What do you mean?” Ryan asked after a moment of confusion passed, and Brendon's eyes widened.

“Oh shit, of course Spencer wouldn't have told you…” He muttered, turning his eyes away to avoid the look Ryan was giving him.

“Tell me what? ...Brendon? I swear to whatever the fuck is out there if you try to keep this a secret I will personally beat the shit out of you.” Ryan's tone turned serious out the end, and Brendon swallowed past a lump in his throat.

“I was going to propose to you.”

A silent moment passed between them as Ryan tried to process those words, only able to whisper once the full meaning hit him. “You were going to…”

“I had Spencer hold onto the ring until the right day came to do it, but I never thought it was a good time, and then…” Brendon trailed off, his melancholy filled eyes dropping to his hands, which had moved to grab Ryan's.

“And then you died.”

“Sadly, yes…” Brendon's thumb skimmed across Ryan's hand as Ryan seemed to be caught in his own mind and thoughts, his eyes misty.

“We could have been married...you would have been my husband…” A tear fell, and Brendon was there to wipe it away for the first time in a long while.

“...I love you, Ryan.”

“I love you too.”

\--

“Are you sure you want to do this, Ryan?” Brendon asked nervously as Ryan got ready to leave. “Spencer hasn't treated you the best, you don't have to if you don't-”

“I want to know if he still has it, if he wants to start some shit I'll have Pete pick me up. It's not a big deal.” Ryan shrugged, but it didn't take a genius to tell in reality it was.

“Ryan, it's just-”

“It's not ‘just a ring’, Brendon. I promise, if things get out of hand I'll leave. Just trust me, okay?” The ending of his sentence sounded more like a plea than anything else, and after a few heavy moments of debating his own mind Brendon let out a defeated sigh.

Pressing one last kiss to Ryan's lips, Brendon rested his forehead against the other's, letting them both savor the calm before what he assumed would be a storm.

“I'll be back tomorrow morning, I promise. I don't think Pete could even stop me if he tried.” Ryan gave him a warm smile before pulling away and getting up. “I love you, see you tomorrow.”

“Love you too.”

And with that, Ryan was heading back to Spencer's house with worry pounding against his chest.

\--

He had expected a lot of yelling when he arrived home after being absent for days, not being pulled into a tight embrace.

“Ryan! Oh my god, I was worried sick...with your depression recently I was afraid you...you'd…” Spencer hugged Ryan tighter for a few more moments, Ryan awkwardly accepting it.

“Uh...sorry to make you worry…?”

“Don't apologize, I didn't...I was too harsh. What made you come back?” Spencer pulled away, eyes locking with Ryan's.

“Oh, right...I'm here for the ring.” Spencer's face darkened as Ryan spoke.

“How do you know about that?” He demanded, and Ryan couldn't help but shrink back a little.

“I...I found a note from Brendon...he said...he said he wanted to marry me.” His voice shook at the end, and Spencer's defenses dropped.

“I'm sorry, I just...I'll go get it.” He muttered, leaving Ryan alone in the living room.

He returned with a silver band with a diamond on it. It seemed rather plain, other than the fact that inscribed on it was ‘moon’. Tears stung at Ryan's eyes of memories of soft whispers of the nicknames they developed for each other filled his ears as he took the ring from Spencer's hand. “And Brendon’s, if he already had it..?”

“He never gave it to me...but I know it matched and said sun.” Spencer fell quiet after that, letting Ryan hold the ring, his ring, in his hands as tears fell.

“Are you going to stay?” Spencer broke the silence after a while, and after a moment of thought Ryan shook his head no.

“I’m sorry...I just need some time away.” He paused to slip the ring onto his finger, looking up to make eye contact with Spencer. “I’m going to stay with Pete and Patrick for a while.”

Spencer sighed, but nodded. “I guess it would be best. You need a break from all this drama.” 

“Yeah...I’ll be back soon, don't worry, okay Spence?” Ryan forced a small smile onto his face.

“Yeah, I trust you Ryan.”

That was the last time Ryan ever spoke to his friend.  
\--

When Ryan got back to Pete’s house, he was exhausted. He just wanted to collapse into that soft bed and sleep, not giving a care in the world.

Sadly, you don't always get what you want.

“Ryan?” Patrick called from the kitchen when he heard the door open, peeking out at him.

“Oh, hey Patrick. Sorry I'm later than normal...I stopped by Spencer's.” Ryan couldn't help but say the last part quietly as he entered the kitchen, almost shamefully.

He had gone back home only to come back and bother the couple? He was an intruder in their home, and yet…

“I'm assuming you both thought it would be best if you stayed here? I sure hope so, you seem to be doing a bit better than when we first got you here.” Patrick smiled at him, and Ryan simply nodded, fiddling with the ring on his finger.

“So, why’d you go to Spencer's?” Patrick said before Ryan could sneak off to the guest room.

“I found a note from Brendon, and I wanted to see if Spence had what Brendon said he would.” Ryan watched Patrick's eyes go to the ring on his finger, a silent understanding passing between them.

“Okay, well, I'll tell Pete you came back. I swear, he worries like a mother sometimes.” Patrick turned back to his groceries as Ryan chuckled lightly.

“Yeah, I noticed.”

\--

“You have it!” Brendon exclaimed as he took Ryan's hands in his own, a smile brightening his entire face as he looked at the ring in his finger, mingling with a touch of sadness.

“Yeah, Spencer did keep it.” Ryan said, his head resting against the siren’s chest as he moved to cuddle him. “Do you know where yours is…? Spencer said you never gave it to him.”

“I...I don't know, let me think…I know I had it on me when I, yeah…” Brendon cleared his throat and then fell quiet, running his hands up and down Ryan's back.

Ryan almost fell asleep in the quiet that followed, the sweet serenity of trusting love in Brendon's arms helping him doze off. It wasn't until Brendon loudly exclaimed that he jolted back to full attention.

“Wait! I know where it is!” Ryan's eyes met Brendon's excited ones as Brendon looked out to the ocean.

“Do you want to come with or wait?” He asked, turning back to look at Ryan once more.

“With.”

Brendon took Ryan's hand in his, moving so they were a bit further into the ocean. “Hold your breath!” Was the only warning Ryan got before they were submerged underwater.

Brendon moved quickly, blowing a soft breath on Ryan's lips and running his fingertips over his closed eyelids. 

“Go ahead and breath, baby.”

Ryan inhaled deeply, relief flooding his lungs along with air as he cracked a smile. “Don't know if I'll ever get used to that.”

A sad smile touched Brendon's lips, “Me either. Anyway, let's go get that ring.”

His fingers entwined with Ryan's as he pulled him through the waters once more, this time to the more familiar place that was what people could consider his ‘home.’ In reality it was more of a storage, since he didn't spend much time there.

The past few days he had left his bag there, not trusting himself to keep from forgetting it on the shore. That's what he was looking for, what he needed.

“Does it ever get lonely down here?” Ryan asked suddenly, causing Brendon's eyes to instinctively flick to him.

“What do you mean?” The siren asked after a slow moment, his brows knitting together.

“It just feels like down here everything just seems so…” Ryan trailed off, trying to find the right words.

“Empty? Yeah. It didn't at first, in fact, the ocean used to feel like...like home, but now, it just feels like a prison. The only time I feel at home is when I'm with you, you're the only thing from my old life, my home that I have.” Silence passed between them for a moment. “At the same time, though...the time I've spent spent with you has made me feel so much more...I don't know how to explain it. Human? I guess? Like I'm not emotionless.”

He raised Ryan’s hand to his lips, placing a gentle kiss on the top of his hand, smiling against the skin. “I guess you just do that to me. Must be love.”

“Why must you choose the time for you to be romantic the one time we can't kiss.” Ryan laughed, and a smirk crossed Brendon's face.

“Well, then let's hurry so we can.” Brendon teased, pulling Ryan along a little faster, halting when he saw the place where he stored things he came across in the ocean. 

“Sorry if it's a bit of a mess- I normally just throw things in here and go.” Brendon chuckled nervously, his free hand rubbing the back of his neck.

“You should see my room, then.” Ryan laughed as they both moved under the hooded rock that was shielding the objects from direct view. 

Various knick-knacks were scattered in the shelter, and when inspected closer Ryan realised they were all pieces of jewelry, in various sizes and colors. A sickening feeling pulled at Ryan's chest as he averted his eyes, focusing on Brendon's back. He didn't want to think about how Brendon had obtained all of them.

Glancing back at Ryan for only a second, Brendon felt the grin on his face melt away as he saw the grim look on Ryan's face. He looked away quickly, eyes returning to searching for the bag.

He should have known better than to take Ryan with him, he should have just left him on the shore. Where he was safe. Where he couldn't see the remnants of the monster Brendon once was…

Is, Brendon corrected himself mentally, cringing slightly as his eyes skimmed past a particularly large group of his collections. Sometimes, when he was with Ryan, Brendon could so easily forget he wasn't human. 

Relief flooded through the sirens body as he found the bag, the strap being held down by a rock to ensure it wouldn’t float away. The sooner he got Ryan out of here, the better. For both of them.

Releasing Ryan's hand for a moment so he could move the rock and grab the bag more efficiently, and peeking into the bag once he had it to ensure the ring was there, Brendon quickly put it back on so he could grab Ryan's hand again.

“Let's get back to the surface.” Brendon said, his voice hushed, and Ryan could only nod.

Brendon wasted no time in getting them both back to the surface, wanting to distance himself as far as he could from the waters that had turned him into what he was now, even if he couldn't get far.

Breathing a deep breath of above water air, Ryan let out a sigh. Brendon was obviously upset, and he couldn't help but feel as if it was his fault. 

His worries disappeared temporarily, though, when Brendon's hands found the back of his neck as he pressed his lips to Ryan's.

While it didn't last long, considering the rather awkward position they were in, it was just enough for both of their nerves to relax once more.

“Glad you kept your promise.” Ryan whispered, letting his forehead rest against Brendon's, who responded with a slight smirk.

“Well, I'll be sure to keep fulfilling it.”

Brendon pulled away after a few more seconds of content cuddling, moving them to a more comfortable spot before reaching into his bag. He paused for a second as he did.

“Ryan?” Ryan acknowledged Brendon, so he continued. “Can I see your ring? For just a second?”

Ryan nodded, slipping the silver band off of his finger and into Brendon’s palm. Brendon turned away, searching in his canvas bag. He kept the ring firmly in his grasp as he found a waterlogged, blue velvet box. He slipped the thin gold band from it as Ryan dug his toes into the wet sand, his soaked jeans clinging to his thin legs.

“I should’ve taken my clothes off, I just got over a cold-” Ryan was cut off as Brendon turned around, holding the soggy box with a lopsided smile.

“Ryan, I know this is about six months too late, but I love you too much to wait another moment without being able to call you mine forever.” Brendon said sheepishly. Ryan felt a grin fill his face as Brendon continued. “I’m not really sure how it’ll work in the end, but at least I’ll know it meant a lot to you. Ryan, the moon of my life, will you marry me?” Brendon opened the dripping box, revealing the ring he had placed into the cushions. 

Ryan instantly tackled him, connecting their lips with six months of empty love. It felt like their very first kiss, fresh and passionate. Brendon landed in the sand, tail slapping the waves that crashed over Ryan’s legs. He wrapped his arms around Ryan’s thin torso as he felt his cheeks being tickled with Ryan’s hair. Ryan pulled away, a smile filling his face as he stared down at Brendon in the sand. 

“Yes.”


	11. Hey Moon Please Forget To Fall Down

“What the fuck were you thinking!?” Tyler's voice seemed to infect the water around him with his anger, red eyes flashing in the darkness of the waves. “Do you have ANY idea of what hurt you just are going to subject him to? How broken he's going to be?”

“That's just it, Tyler, I wasn't thinking!” Brendon exclaimed, running his hands roughly through his own hair with a distraught look upon his face. “I just…”

“Just what, Brendon? Wanted to make him feel good? Well, you succeeded for a fleeting moment, congratulations!” Tyler yelled, hands raised along with his brows. “Did you think this would change things?!”

“No, yes, kind of...I don't know, okay!?” Brendon's hands covered his face as he struggled not to completely break.

“Brendon, you-”

“Yes! I know it won’t fucking work, Tyler! Humans and monsters normally don't form a happy fucking relationship!” Brendon's hands fell from his face as he screamed at Tyler, watching his eyes go wide with shock. “And that's all I am, right? A fucking monster.”

“Brendon, you didn't choose to be like this. None of us did.” Tyler said quietly, his voice nothing but a gentle whisper.

“Yeah, well, I sure as hell accepted my job eagerly, didn't I? Now, if you're done making me feel like even more of an ass, can you leave me alone? Please?” Brendon hissed, eyes locking with Tyler's. It was Tyler who broke contact.

“Brendon, I don't think that it would be a good idea to-”

“What am I gonna do? Drown myself?” Brendon demanded, his hands clenching into fists. “Look, I want to be left alone, is that to much to ask?” 

“No, it...I'll see you later, Brendon.” Tyler left with those quiet, defeated words, and Brendon was left to his sorrow.

\--

Ryan was practically ecstatic for the whole night and morning after Brendon's proposal. He was going to get married! Brendon, the person his whole life had revolved around since he was 19, would be his husband, who could have more? Who could ask for more?

The thought never seemed to cross Ryan’s mind that they wouldn’t get to live like a normal married couple.

It was when Ryan saw Brendon the next day that some of his joy died down. You never know how much control someone else has over your emotions until you see them sad and you don't know why or how to help.

That's why when Ryan found the broken,tear stained face of his fiancé the next morning he felt his own heart rip in two.

“Brendon?” 

Snapping out of whatever horrific thoughts or memories had put him into the state he was in, Brendon's eyes flicked towards Ryan's as he forced a smile. “H-Hey…”

“What’s wrong?” Ryan asked as he sat next to the siren, grabbing Brendon’s hand so his fingers entwined with his.

“Just...saw an old friend. Another siren.” Brendon said, looking away. “We haven't been on the best of terms recently.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ryan asked, his voice gentle and soft and so welcoming, Brendon wished he could hear it forever.

He wished he could have Ryan forever.

“No, it's okay, baby. I just want to spend time with you.” Brendon sighed, melting into Ryan's embrace as he initiated it.

“Ryan?” Ryan made a humming sort of acknowledgement as Brendon whispered his name. “Can you sing for me?”

Ryan shifted, smiling softly as he did. “I don't have my guitar, baby.”

Brendon locked eyes with Ryan, a small pout on his lips. “Do you need it?” Ryan shook his head, heart warming as Brendon smiled at his response.

“What song?”

“Behind the Sea.” Was Brendon's almost immediate response, earning a chuckle from Ryan.

“Fitting, hm? Alright, Behind the Sea it is.”

(Look up behind the sea acoustic)

Brendon closed his eyes as Ryan's vocals washed over him, head on Ryan's shoulder as he just let the sound of his voice block out his worries for the day- remind him why he had fought so hard for the time he had in the first place. As the last of the vocals died down, Brendon's head turned up and he pressed his lips to Ryan's, pulling away only when Ryan had absolute need of air.

“Thank you.”

“Anything for you, Brendon.”

\--

It took all of Brendon's willpower to even start to move the next day. Every inch he moved, every breath he took, seemed to sap the energy from him like a vampire preying on its victim, slowly taking the life from his body- except this wasn't taking his life from him, but Ryan. To Brendon, it was the same thing.

He was late to getting to the shore, which only made matters worse. Brendon figured it would have hurt them both- mainly him, considering Ryan well...he had no clue all the same- less if he treated it like a bandaid- just get it done. Sadly, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead he spent over an hour past his supposed time of arrival mulling over what he was supposed to do, what he was going to do, before he took action. Everyone knows if you take the bandaid off slowly it only hurts worse for the wearer.

When he finally built up the guts to actually show up, mainly because he spotted Tyler in the distance and was reminded of how little of a choice he had, he was already a wreck. Ryan could tell from the moment he saw him that something was definitely not okay.

“Brendon? What's wrong?” Brendon hated how sincere, how worried Ryan sounded. He hated how he wanted to be selfish, how he wanted to just say nothing and spend one last day with Ryan with no tears, no goodbyes. Just happiness. That wouldn't be fair to Ryan, though. He deserved an explanation, as much of one Brendon could give anyway.

He needed Ryan to know he loves him, even if in the end he knew his words would only hurt more.

“We need to talk.” Brendon could see the way Ryan's eyes darkened, the way they became muddled with confusion and fear. He wished he could kiss him and refill them with that light he loves so much.

“What do you mean? What's wrong?” His voice was so soft, so caring, Brendon was reminded of the singing only the day before, and all the years before. The melodies of their voices joining together in songs of joy and sorrow, the quiet words of comfort and whispers in bed. He missed them all, even though they weren't yet gone.

“We can't see each other anymore.” He despised the way those words felt on his tongue, and the look on Ryan's face that came with them. The same look he had all those months before, the one that he had already left behind once.

“No.” One simple word. One simple word and Brendon could already feel his heart crushed. One simple voice of denial that hurt so much.

Then the next when Brendon couldn't reply. “Why?” That one seemed to be more painful.

“I'm a monster, Ryan.” 

Brendon wasn't even mad when Ryan slapped him. In fact, he was kind of glad he did. He deserved it.

“No, don't you say that. Don't you dare say that!” Ryan was fighting back tears, Brendon could tell. He had seen enough tears for a lifetime. He knew he would see more. “You're not, you can't...you can't leave me Brendon! Not again.”

“Ryan, you know it’s true.” Brendon didn't let him deny it, even though his mouth had opened to. “I saw you, when I brought you to get the ring. I saw the look you gave me. The look you gave the jewelry, the belongings of all those people. Face it, Ryan. I'm a murderer.”

“I don't care!” Ryan exclaimed, sinking down to his knees and grabbing Brendon's face between his hands, eyes wide yet tears beginning to slip down his cheeks. “Brendon, I kept coming back, didn't I? I love you, you know that. You know I love you...don't you?”

Brendon pulled away. He could see the heartbreak in Ryan's eyes like smoke clouding a burning building, and he couldn't take it anymore. “Of course I do, Ryan.”

“Then tell me the truth! Tell me WHY you're leaving me again! Tell me why you don't love me!” Ryan was screaming now as hot tears rolled down his cheeks, his fingers clenched to fists.

“Ryan, no, I do-”

“DON'T LIE TO ME BRENDON! You don't! You never did!” Each word stung like a stab to the heart, and so did the moment of Ryan turning away, silence passing between them only filled with the sobs of Ryan, then quiet, almost unheard if you weren't listening. “You make me fall in love with you all over again, just to feed on my emotions. Do I even mean anything to you? Or was I just a vessel for your enjoyment.” He spit the questions at Brendon with a new harshness, and Brendon seemed to curl in on himself. 

“I love you-” He started, but was cut off by the fiery brunette’s venomous words. 

“Did this mean anything to you?” Ryan questioned, flashing the silver band on his finger at Brendon. Brendon seemed to reach out, as if to grab his hand, to lace his fingers in between Ryan’s, but he was stopped as Ryan closed his hand into a fist and held it with the other in his lap before he spoke finitely. 

“If you're going then go.”

Brendon flinched, the lyrics hitting hard and deep, and he did, listening to Ryan scream after him. He slipped into the unforgiving waves as he heard the love of his life start to lose his sanity.

“YOU WERE RIGHT, BRENDON, YOU ARE A MONSTER! YOU'RE A FUCKING MONSTER, AND YOU KNOW WHO YOUR PREY WAS? ME!”

And even though Brendon hated it, Ryan was right. Brendon was a monster, one with a stone cold heart at that.


	12. Hey Moon Don't You Go Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a major trigger warning for those of you struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. Please do not read it if yoy do not feel you can handle it, and please stay strong

Ryan felt like he had swallowed knives. The screams ripping through his body like electric shocks. He had ceased screaming actual words hours ago, by now it was heart wrenching sobs that wracked his thin frame. He had fallen in love all over again just to be destroyed, but that was the thing with Brendon. He could make you fall in love with a brush of his pianist fingers, a whisper of his angelic voice, a single moment of sincerity. And Ryan was willing to go through everything again just to allow himself another second of Brendon’s love. The love he had lost not once.

But twice.

How could he have been so stupid? Allowing Brendon to break his heart again. Suddenly, Ryan tore the silver band from his finger, staring at the inscription through blurry vision. He wiped his damp face with the sleeve of Brendon’s old hoodie, trying to get his erratic breathing under control. 

How dare he. How dare Brendon. He had ruined everything. And Ryan had forced him to leave again.

Ryan stood from the damp sand, his bare feet sinking in it. He hastily wiped his face again, attempting to get rid of the assault of tears pouring from his eyes. He flung the ring into the ocean, a tiny part of him hoping Brendon would appear with it in his palm, a smile across his face. The greater part of him knew that he wasn’t coming back. 

His phone had died a bit ago, and the sun was just starting to peek over the horizon. He knew Pete and Patrick were probably looking for him, but he allowed a wave of selfishness to engulf him.

If they wanted to find him, they would. 

He sat himself back down in the sand, hugging his knees to his chest. More tears started to stream down his face, he didn’t know how his body kept it up. 

\--

Ryan was shaken awake, the morning sun warming his face. “Ryan, oh thank god.” A voice said, and Ryan cracked his eyes open in search of it. 

Pete and Patrick. 

Pete seemed to be the one who had shaken him, knelt behind him as Ryan was asleep on his right side. Patrick was knelt in front of him, a worried look enveloping his face. 

“Ryan? Are you okay?” Patrick asked, but Ryan continued to stare at him blankly. “Come on Pete, let’s get him back to the house. I’ll call Spence and let him know we found him.”

Ryan allowed himself to be sat up, flopping like a rag doll in Pete’s arms. Pete helped him up, and Ryan started to fight him, content with staying near the sea. He needed to be there if Brendon came back. 

He knew he would.

\--

Patrick quickly called Spencer, watching as Pete struggled to get Ryan to the Range Rover. 

“Did you find him?” Spencer immediately asked, sounding groggy. 

“Yeah, he was at that little secluded beach you said he might be at.” Patrick answered, and Pete finally wrestled Ryan into the SUV’s backseat.

“Let me know how he is, I’ll come by as soon as I can.” Spencer worried, and the sound of keys jingling filled his end of the phone. 

“Come on Patrick, child lock only works until we get him home.” Pete hurried as he got in the SUV. Patrick sped over to the passenger side, wrenching the door open. 

“Spence, I’ll see you when you get here, I gotta help Pete.” Patrick told him, rushing his words out. 

“Wait! Make sure someone is watching him at all times!” Spencer warned, and the sound of an engine filled the phones from both ends. The call was ended quickly as Ryan continued to try to open the back door wordlessly, his eyes on the water. 

The drive back to the house in the hills was full of panic. Ryan had stopped trying to open the door while they moved, but any time they were at a stop light too long, he would start up again. 

“Ryan, Ryan! You’re not getting out of the car buddy, I’m sorry.” Pete had said, his eye’s locked on Ryan struggling in the back seat. Ryan had continued to try silently.

They arrived at the house, and Pete turned the car off, sighing in relief when he saw Spencer’s car parked in the driveway. Spencer immediately got out of his own car and went up to the car door Pete motioned him to. Patrick watched as Spencer counted off into the mirror, wrenching the door open on three. Ryan instantly flew from the car, trying to break into a sprint, before he was caught by Spencer’s arms around him. He struggled, no sound coming from him while he did. Pete and Patrick got out, and Patrick unlocked the front door while Pete helped Spencer get Ryan in the house. 

“Let’s take him to the bathroom, he’s covered in sand.” Pete said, helping guide Spencer by grabbing Ryan’s thrashing legs. Patrick walked with them, shutting the front door as well. He watched as Ryan slowly went limp in his friend’s arms. 

“You guys can...you guys can put him down in the tub, I got it from there.” Patrick said. Pete nodded, bumping the door open. They set Ryan’s limp body down in the empty bathtub, and he instantly pulled his knees to his chest.

“We’ll be right outside if you need us babe…” Pete trailed off, staring at Ryan for a moment before kissing Patrick’s cheek and leaving, closing the door behind he and Spencer. 

Patrick slowly walked towards Ryan, closing the lid on the toilet, and sitting down. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Patrick asked kindly. Ryan continued to stare at the floor of the tub silently. “Do you wanna tell me what happened?” He asked again, and again, he was met with silence. “Well you’re gonna get clean, so I’m gonna sit here and make sure you don’t try to...do...anything.” He added, gulping slightly. 

Ryan stayed still, and Patrick stood up, holding out a hand. “You can keep your boxers on, because hey man, I totally get it, don’t wanna be naked in front of me, but I’m here to help.” 

Ryan slowly turned to look at him, before allowing himself to be helped up. He slid his jeans off and handed them to Patrick, then came the hoodie. Then the shirt, turning the water on in the tub to a warm temp to warm Ryan’s freezing body. Ryan slowly sat himself down, rinsing the sand from his body. 

“Do you need help washing your hair?” Patrick asked, somewhat awkwardly. Ryan shook his head, dipping his head under the tap to wet it before working shampoo in.

Once he was free of sand, with his hair washed, Patrick helped him out, handing him a towel. He left Ryan’s clothes on the counter and walked him to the door. 

“Do you want food or to sleep?” Patrick asked. Ryan gestured in the direction towards his room, and Patrick nodded, pulling the door open. He saw Pete sat against the wall outside the door, while Spencer stood in front of it. He wordlessly guided Ryan to his room, sitting him on the chair in the corner of his room. He went about getting Ryan a change of clothes, handing him the neat stack. Ryan nodded and Patrick gestured to the door. 

“If you need me, I’ll be right out there.” He told him, and Ryan nodded once again. He left the room, standing just outside of Ryan’s closed door, 

Patrick waited a few minutes, before entering the room again. Ryan was under the blankets, staring at the wall across from him. 

“Can you tell me what happened now?” Patrick asked, shutting the door. 

“I lost him again.” Ryan said after what seemed to be an eternity of silence.

“What do you mean, Ryan?” Patrick asked, but Ryan was silent again, still staring at the wall. 

\--

It had been five days. 

Ryan had yet to come out of his room, and the door was locked.

The first day they took turns, sitting outside his door. They knew there was nothing he could hurt himself with in the room. No medications, no glass, no cords. He was pretty safe, but they wanted to be sure.

Spencer went home after the third day. He refused to sit outside his best friends room anymore. He couldn’t handle it. The last two days were all Pete. He never left his spot outside Ryan’s door. Every day, three times a day, they’d leave food for Ryan, and he never ate it. They had heard the toilet flush in the bathroom connected to his room, those were the times Pete would try hardest.

“Ryan, I know you can hear me buddy.” He would say. “Please let me in.”

 

But he never did.

By the sixth day, Patrick was angry. He marched right up to Ryan’s door, with the key in hand that he had dug out of a box in the basement. 

“Ryan, I’m opening the door, and you’re gonna have to deal with that.” He said. Pete stood behind him nervously, as Patrick unlocked the door. He pushed it open once he heard the lock click, and the two were greeted in darkness. 

Patrick blindly made his way to where he hoped was the bedside table, and after a few tries, turned the lamp on. 

The room was almost exactly as he left it, save for Ryan. His hair was greasy and stringy, he had bags under his eyes. His cheeks thinner, his lips chapped, his face broken out.  
“Ryan, get up. We’re going for a walk.”

\--

The breeze danced through the trees, and Patrick watched Ryan out of the corner of his eye. He was allowing Ryan to pick their destination, which he hoped he wouldn’t regret. 

Ryan had put on a pair of baggy sweats, along with a hoodie. His greasy hair fell limp in his face and he had his arms crossed over his sickly chest. He seemed to have to drag his feet, as if they were heavy, as if it was physically draining to take each step.

Pete slipped his hand into Patrick’s as Ryan walked two steps ahead. The group walked silently until they reached the Santa Monica Pier. Pete smiled weakly, “Let’s some food guys!” He said, trying to get Ryan to smile. Ryan stared at him blankly, but followed them to the mexican restaurant down the pier. Pete started to order as Patrick searched the menu for something that might be light on Ryan’s stomach, he wouldn’t be able to handle something too heavy right now- 

Ryan. 

Patrick whipped around, and let out a gasp. 

Ryan was stood on the ledge on the outside of the railing, hands behind him to hold himself steady. Patrick instantly yanked Pete away from the counter, and started to bolt towards Ryan. 

But, before they knew it, he was gone. 

Splash.

Patrick let out a strangled scream as Pete’s arms enveloped him. Pete let out a scream, full of pain, and dropped to his knees, taking Patrick down with him.

They were just shy of the railing. 

People screamed, but none were as loud as Pete. Patrick wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders, Pete’s face buried in Patrick’s shoulder, horrendous sobs escaping his wide open mouth.

“He said he would get better! He promised!” Pete screamed, and Patrick felt his own tears dripping down his face as he tried to soothe Pete. 

\--

The police were called, but Ryan’s body wasn’t found. They searched for days, with divers and boats.

They never found anything.

All that was left of George Ryan Ross the Third from that day was the pair of shoes he was wearing before he jumped. He had left a short, eleven word note on a torn page of loose leaf in messy scrawl in his right shoe. 

“Melt your headaches, call it home. I love you, Brendon. -Ryan”


End file.
